• I should

    by  • February 3, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Acceptance • 13 Comments

    Be over by now
    Or so people say.
    But alas, that seems a mere fantasy
    Or a fantasy at least it should be
    But not to me.
    To me it is no more than a nightmare.
    For you see,
    Every day i still wake to your face
    And even as the night drawns near
    You just pop in.
    Welcome yet, unwelcome.
    You knock at my door
    A visitor, just as I.
    But you are a visitor that I wished to stay…


    Is shouted across the lands.
    But i am at a loss.
    A crossroads,
    Where all the ways are drapped in darkness,
    All the same, the best, would just be a guess.

    So fast, good intentions a second passes its gone.
    As useless as a car with no wheels
    At a standstil with nowhere to go
    Every way i turn, a blockade
    Too tall for me to climb.
    Lost with so many road to choose
    Stuck here naked, i am on view, an exhibition for all to see, each bone, each muscle, each imperfection, each thought and every inch of skin.
    My little voice of reason and determination has gone on a quick vacation.
    Every attepmt leads me deeper into the darkening cave all i can do is…
    Just wait it out!
    Let the draught of reason pass,
    Let the storm of self-mutilation end
    And the rains of reality hit my soul.
    Let it bring back my belief to sow it’s seeds again.

    Yet through the darkness i saw you.
    A path, a passage!
    Even when you do not shine so bright.
    I still walk that path in darkness.
    I may trip and i may fall
    At times i may even have to crawl.
    But you showed me more than i have ever seen before.
    You showed me more of your path than anyone of note.
    I hope that fact still guides you on a path of brighter affairs.
    But i at least know not all of your days are filled with blue skys and clear days, but thats okay.
    I will never judge you as i always said and with that tune in mind, i will always admit to you;
    Even now as this day fades into night, you fade not from my mind.
    Never has a day passed when i have not wanted to see your face.

    You may not want me now but please know that you made me feel like no other.
    Like i could touch the sky, fly with the birds, and dive as deep as dolphins.
    Even to this day.
    I know we have both done wrong.
    I am not perfect and not every action is persise.
    For that i am sorry.
    But i could never stay mad at you or truly walk away from your side.
    I am here, and here i will be, for all you did for me.

    The day you left I took my first step into the unknown,
    Planned for weeks.
    A place of white walls, white ceiling and white doors, no locks, bare.
    The room was as bare as i felt within those four walls.
    I was fearful of telling you about the path i was choosing.
    Who would want such a broken soul, i thought.
    Just as i penned the words to tell you,
    No sob story, no blame, no hatred, just honesty pure and simple.
    You were no longer by my side.

    We share many a characteristic that we keep hidden from prying eyes, those that jugde and damm.
    I told you briefly i have been privy to some unfortunate events.
    But unlike you, i have no name for mine at this time.
    To let someone in seemed pure insanity as my silence had saved my life before or a least silence of what i was truly feeling.
    If i had spoken my mind or simply moved one muscle.
    I would not be here to write this.
    Knives can be very sharp as you well know.
    Yet I trusted you with my words..
    I should have stayed as silent as the whipped dog I used to be!?
    From the one you called yours.

    I will carry on walking my path but still I long to hear your voice call from beyond.


    13 Responses to I should

    1. @author
      February 3, 2016 at 10:40 pm

      I just needed time and space to focus on my daughter while her dad was dying! We lost him 4 days after I had talked to you while I was at the hospital! I never left you! I didnt know things were as bad for you at your home as they were! I thought y’all were doing OK….. I had to move I lost my job because of all the days spent at the hospital! Once I moved I didnt hear from you again! If I would have known your story things would have been different! You didn’t share with me your troubles! Stop saying I left you! That never happened! You left me and you still are gone! I wasn’t stalking you when I found this site I needed a place to vent so I looked up a place to write an anon letter! I was crushed you left me When I needed a friend to lean on while my child was going through the toughest thing she would have done though! You crushed ME! And I still reached out to you! NO Answer….still no answer! But here I am still reaching!!? At least you have someone that cares enough to help you! Wish I had someone like that! I love you and always Will! Yes Im still in Love with you! Yes I want you Im my life to see what we have! Chances of that happening are slim because your hard headed! Nothing I can do if you don’t ever contact me! I can’t force you to trust me! But I do think I get an A for effort! So Im going to still be here waiting on no reply! This is how my side looks on my point of view of events!

      I think we should talk about this but I can’t hope on that anymore!
      Not only did I have to deal with my babies dad passing but I lost you! Talk about depressed and anxiety!
      I have been here for you since day one! I will always be here for you even if your not for me! That my friend is true love!

      To the core

    2. Author
      February 5, 2016 at 12:51 pm

      I can’t be who you wish me to be but good luck from across the sea.

    3. A.Mused
      February 8, 2016 at 4:28 am

      Sometimes the best plan is to hide the knives and wait it out. Don’t let yourself know where they are. Give them to someone else to hide if you must.

      Good stuff AAA. Chillingly familiar, but good nonetheless.


    4. @A.Mused
      February 10, 2016 at 1:35 pm

      In this instance I am not the one who bares the knife.
      A past event. The tip of the iceberg.
      But thank you nevertheless!

      Wishing you well.

    5. @~AAA~
      February 10, 2016 at 2:48 pm

      You never cease to amaze me with all the beauty that is you, after saying it was you to me before.You always did & have once more! For the first time in my life I didn’t question the reasons why with you & I went with the flow for it felt so natural. Not a dream, more than that. The energy that I felt, I’m sure you did too, I can only speak for myself. We were the definition of TwIn Flames..? Do you remember when I said to you for I did say in the beginning “I felt overwhelmed” & I said to you that I wasn’t meaning you or how it sounds? I was always puzzled by this. The start of my own self made confusion in part. This very moment it is now thoughts I can finally put to page, how/why because once more you have this magical uncanny loving characteristic called empathy….I set the bar to high for myself as I thought I will do anything to forever be this Woman’s Man. I’m glad you inspired me to greater heights again. I’m so thankful for everything. Where I went wrong is I did to much to quickly? I still do not drink. Now that’s what I call perfect. I embraced to many changes at once & in doing so didn’t make them. What was needed was what I’ve done since Christmas, concentrate on two. To truly listen with a filtered mind. Being so open & honest had its downfalls for not everything has to be said. I realise this now. Enjoy what we have right in front of us in the here & now. The second was becoming what I loved so much about her? Her way of
      Life. Being super fit, not for ego, looks, being in tune with our body so we are the healthiest we can be…:Mind BODY & soul.

      I am at a loss for words regarding the knives. Being the former Protagonist which was brought to my attention by A.Mused who I many an apology $ thanks as well, for I now am adamantly changing my past ways for I am more than capable. I would rather be that Protagonist champion one last time & ask you to hand those blades my way, handle or blade first if this will set you free? For you to think this then I truly must be a bad person. I never meant for us to fall so hard. The trust we both willingly shared only reinforced the growing love I have for you & aside from here & two people-one a doctor no one has heard a word come from my LIPS. Not even my mother. I don’t care what others think for people come & go. You are not one of them. I say forever for a reason for that is you are the One & Only & why I try my best, I’ve slipped here & there, nothing that can’t be overcome? I have believed in you as well? Have I not helped you when you fell? Events are what shapes us & if the day comes &…No
      I can’t say it here A.Mused, for it is an explosive enlightened past which I have nothing to do with or closely resemble now. I had a AH HA moment & from that moment forth I never looked back. ~AAA~ if I’m ever given the chance I will tell you everything. I am scared to say it to you even know for my past s something I’d rather not re-live. It was an exciting action packed adventure you could say & many a man would jump at the opportunity to do what I was exposed to. Not me, until you’ve lived that life it’s hard to understand just as I found it hard to understand you until you revealed your haunting past. You didn’t deserve yours unlike me who willingly walked the path of pure darkness. I never thought of it like that till now:( Your not a a DOG! Please stop making yourself a reference to one. To me calling someone a DOG is the worst anyone can say to anyone & back in the day it would be on for young & old & have mercy on the person whoever said that to me. One more clue on my past there. I love you & still am yours if you want me. My eyes have always been yours alone & me being who I am. The woman I love I would go to the ends of the Earth for, there’s nothing I would not do for the LOVE of my life.

      It is you for one word alone you’ve written more than any other descriptive letter……DOLPHINS! We live not fifteen minutes from each other & still you know why I can’t come to You? Because that was what you asked? I ask only please send me a text & I will be the Man & do the rest. Is this to much to ask? I have no expectations.

    6. @???
      February 11, 2016 at 12:15 pm

      I am lost for the right words.
      The idea is inconceivable.
      You write on my letter in such a manner that implies you know who I am….
      ‘after saying it was you to me before.’ ?
      I fear you still mistake me for someone else as in reality I have not stayed silent a message the best words I could find, nothing compared to what is found on here, but I tried. When I last knew it was not such a short distance…..
      Feeling like a broken record.
      Who are you!? Or at least who is this woman you speak of? Say her name……

    7. @~AAA|~
      February 12, 2016 at 2:35 am

      If you can’t reveal a initial for we have talked back & forth so how can you not see this as being a game to you? What’s so important that you speak in riddles to hide behind that mask? IT WAS YOU who said to me that “Yes it is me” but now looking at this who is me? If the physical distance is much further then we are but strangers? Why ask me? No answer will come forth from you for that requires strength & self confidence in not worrying who may see. I need not answer for I have asked you time and time again! You too feel like a broken record! How do you think I feel.


    8. @
      February 12, 2016 at 2:55 am


    9. @~AAA~
      February 13, 2016 at 8:11 am

      No it’s ok for I’m not he….Josh the one you seek. Happy Valentines Day.

    10. It's okay
      February 14, 2016 at 1:43 am

      No messages of mine were to a Josh.
      Happy valentines day too 🙂

    11. Lol
      February 15, 2016 at 5:13 am

      Everyone here has such beautiful way of writing , sometime similar yet suytle differences. It amazes me to see how some of us respond thinking it is for us on this anonymous site. Only handful people write here and respond , what are the odds of finding your love here unless the other knows you are here, knows ur pen name and you sign off on ever post n comment .
      AAA very beautifully written post, loved it and resonates so much with me.

    12. @Pen name
      February 15, 2016 at 4:31 pm

      Its okay everyone makes mistakes.
      The subtle differences each tell their own story I found.
      Thank you for commenting.
      Are they rhetorical questions…..may I ask you to same?
      Slim to none. He was not my love, he could have been. I was under no illusion of thinking he would ever read my words or believe I was even capable of such things. If I am honest he would more than likely hit the roof.
      My initial is also around.
      As ever,
      Best wishes all 🙂

      P.s. thank you again! I’m glad you liked it.

    13. It's funny.
      February 17, 2016 at 1:26 am

      I believed you were more than capable for that was one of the reasons I once loved her. This whole writing is then a game which you played me for you’ve just admitted it. I resonate as well. The reason I said Josh was because on another site there is a letter from ~AAA~ to him. I must be delusional….Not. it was your writing style & it was not long ago so why wouldn’t I think this. The woman I loved, her name is there to. Funny that:( Yes I got upset on here. That I’ll admit. In real life I gave my all & it wasn’t me who took flight, since October the beginning of my heart breaking & still I was committed till now! I went & sought help, sorted myself out. I ask you? Did you? I wonder, it doesn’t matter now for it wasn’t me who lost you it was you who lost me. I wrote how I felt to Peter C today & it’s all truth. I loved you then, now & these words will hurt for you did do this, And I believed we could have overcome this & we could have. But you didn’t outstretch your hand or ADMIT it was you for its but a game to you. Its torment & torture….why I became so distraught & distressed for the BS you weaved.

      Take care.

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