Spiral. Spiral. Spiral. I’ve never let it take me away as you have. Oh, I keep hanging onto that wheel. In control. Always in control. I am jealous of your abandon. How you let it all just go down. Down as far as it would take you.
Where did you go?
You always said such wonderful things about me and its all I needed. Ever. Just you to see me like I did you. Your encouragement and our attachment, no matter how long or far away has been everything to me. Someone there who really knows you, who really gets you, who knows that they might disappoint you sometimes but damn well owns their failings…fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
The whole fucking world discarded us both and I had you. YOU who had the same awful affliction. Being the quintessential misunderstood aliens together was all I had in this world that I knew was real REAL HUMAN contact.
‘If I was going to do that, it would be you, everytime.’ You said
I know what you were doing and it was so self-indulent. So self-centered. So grandiose. How young you seemed sometimes. Your excuses. Your truths. You know I saw right through.
You play the narcissist but you were only ever the most crafty masochist to walk this barren planet. I feel sick. I feel alone. I feel hopeless.
Me me me me me and MY feelings because I lost You you you you YOU. I’ve got the sickness.
You said I helped you with those feelings. You said ‘just knowing you’re there…’ But you’re not. You’re not there and I am so lost. So so lost.
I just want to read your words all day everyday until I die so I can make it through. I want you to make me laugh again. I want to hear your voice and the strange way an S rolls from your lip. I want you to tell a story that puts the whole room into a near trance. I want you to back ‘them’ into a corner with words aonI can watch your sly smile creep into a grimace because you won. You love winning. I want you. You. You you you you you. I don’t care how crazy that makes me.
I’ll regain composure now and be strong. As ever. Thw spinning stops now. I won’t let it happen again.