• In Which She Cracks Open

    by  • February 2, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Miss You • 34 Comments

    Spiral. Spiral. Spiral. I’ve never let it take me away as you have. Oh, I keep hanging onto that wheel. In control. Always in control. I am jealous of your abandon. How you let it all just go down. Down as far as it would take you.

    Where did you go?

    You always said such wonderful things about me and its all I needed. Ever. Just you to see me like I did you. Your encouragement and our attachment, no matter how long or far away has been everything to me. Someone there who really knows you, who really gets you, who knows that they might disappoint you sometimes but damn well owns their failings…fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

    The whole fucking world discarded us both and I had you. YOU who had the same awful affliction. Being the quintessential misunderstood aliens together was all I had in this world that I knew was real REAL HUMAN contact.

    ‘If I was going to do that, it would be you, everytime.’ You said

    I know what you were doing and it was so self-indulent. So self-centered. So grandiose. How young you seemed sometimes. Your excuses. Your truths. You know I saw right through.

    You play the narcissist but you were only ever the most crafty masochist to walk this barren planet. I feel sick. I feel alone. I feel hopeless.

    Me me me me me and MY feelings because I lost You you you you YOU. I’ve got the sickness.

    You said I helped you with those feelings. You said ‘just knowing you’re there…’ But you’re not. You’re not there and I am so lost. So so lost.

    I just want to read your words all day everyday until I die so I can make it through. I want you to make me laugh again. I want to hear your voice and the strange way an S rolls from your lip. I want you to tell a story that puts the whole room into a near trance. I want you to back ‘them’ into a corner with words aonI can watch your sly smile creep into a grimace because you won. You love winning. I want you. You. You you you you you. I don’t care how crazy that makes me.

    I’ll regain composure now and be strong. As ever. Thw spinning stops now. I won’t let it happen again.


    Related Post

    34 Responses to In Which She Cracks Open

    1. B
      February 2, 2016 at 5:54 am

      You are so fucken sexy! Gorgeous, I need us to hang out! Your causing yourself a lot of pain as you are me also by not contacting me! Bring those walls down and know Im latching on to you! You are so breathtaking. I want to make Love to MY GIRL.

      I want my person to know this!


    2. Awesome
      February 2, 2016 at 8:51 am

      Your writings are amazing


    3. Arrows
      February 2, 2016 at 12:25 pm

      My arrows are missing their mark but hitting someone, I see.
      I’ll keep shooting them until I run out of ammunition. Wouldn’t it be fantastic if they could somehow hit their target.

      Bonne chance, friends in Neverland, Wonderland and Earth. Bonne chance.



    4. @author
      February 2, 2016 at 12:44 pm

      Self indulgence, self centred, masochist? OMG Im crushed. I can’t believe you said this.


    5. A.Mused @OMG
      February 2, 2016 at 4:51 pm

      Someone who likes to hurt themselves is, by definition, a masochist. Read: Likes or needs pain.

      As for the remainder of the percieved insults, they are scene specific. My intended did in fact behave in those ways but is by no means DEFINED by those moments. I’d take a man down who said otherwise.

      It’s okay. You don’t need to understand. I couldn’t possibly love the imperfections more. The title explains it all. I am allowed moments of frustration.

      You’re reaction alone should tell you its not for you. He’d be thrilled. Tickled even. He wouldn’t bat a pretty lash.



    6. Advice to the reader from A.Mused
      February 2, 2016 at 5:22 pm

      Embrace metaphor. It will help ever so much towards reading my ramblings. You’ll note, with a keen ear, that all if my ‘accusations’ are then followed with my own words defining those specific qualities.

      This is about the breakdown of communication, perception and ultimately the despair of loneliness. She cracks open.



    7. Trystero
      February 2, 2016 at 7:36 pm

      And just how would you know if your arrows missed their mark?


    8. Sissy
      February 3, 2016 at 9:20 am

      Oh your arrow hit home.
      That is a constant,
      Practise makes perfect!
      True intentions ever so pure,
      Acting with malicious intent,
      Seductively licking your lips,
      Once so alluring & sensual,
      But he must pay dearly,
      I will prove him wrong,
      He must pay for his mistake!
      He must feel my self torment,
      I can’t forgive for what we done.
      Why did he do this to me?
      He says he loves me still,
      & always will!
      Why does he try his best?
      It isn’t enough. I want more.
      I’ll show him who’s stronger!
      He thinks I care….blah blah blah,
      I know he must be playing games,
      Why is pulling away?
      He hasn’t left just yet.
      Why does he continue to persist? I’m unsure, it’s not me:(
      I see his fear slowly growing.
      Why boy are you now sad?
      Don’t touch me I’m pulling away!
      I’m happy being busy,
      I don’t have time for this!
      Your sunken puppy dog eyes,
      Make me angrier!
      You now disgust me.
      Sorry I didn’t hear you?
      What did you say to me?
      Not this same subject? FUCK!
      Why do you keep rehashing this?
      I ml not doing anything wrong.
      It’s not about you!
      I’m beautiful remember.
      I can get any man want!
      Haven’t I told you?
      What I do is none of your business!
      You ask how I forget to say that,
      About the men I see.
      Why would you question me?
      Don’t you trust me?
      What have I done,
      To deserve this?
      Why do you wants reassurance, Of course you can trust me.
      I didn’t Tell you, what I do with them, It’s was just coffee.
      I’ll do what I please!
      How dare you get upset!
      Now my hammer swings down, .
      No jury to give valid reason,
      Here there’s plenty of screens
      You go seek medical help, they don’t work for me. This is on you..
      I said it was all you not me!
      Delivering your final judgement.
      FUCK YOU!! Take this….,TWANG.
      Now you’ll know the true meaning,
      Pain like never felt before!
      Constant practise made perfect.
      Premeditated by its toxic coating,
      A broad headed tip in design.
      It has but a single purpose,
      To kill Large GAME,
      Surging angrily onwards.
      The air waves now whistling,,
      Alerting me to your presence,
      Frozen in this moment, waiting.
      To be false hope, yet still trusting & willingly wantingly you .tTo overcame all of this which I would do, but could you? 🙂 & be as one yet…….,Was out love real?
      Was it too much to reassure me? Did I ask for that much?
      This arrow is your decision.
      Death now jlanguishing in the air,
      milliseconds fast approaching,
      My arms held wide,
      At peace to bestowed such a gift.
      loving gaze encapsulates yours, never looking away,
      As my soul town asunder.
      The poisoned arrow impaled through my heart,
      The shaft exploding out my back,
      exploding out my back
      My lifenforce fast fading,
      My body not responding,
      My blood returning to the earth,
      Collapsing forward onto my knees,
      My final breath,
      Blood escaping like a ioutgoing tide
      Caressing my now moistened lips
      With all my feeble might,
      As I exhale my final breath,
      my vision gone seconds ago,
      Yet my gaze is unwavering.
      I whisper in your sexy ear……

      I LOVE YOU & always will.



      • @franze
        February 3, 2016 at 3:04 pm

        I don’t know know how to take this! This is becoming too much!


      • @sissy
        February 3, 2016 at 6:02 pm

        This is a bit much don’t you think? Im feeling a bit threatened. Let’s talk about this! I want to talk to you! I do love you! This creeped me out a bit! Help me help you so we can get us on track! Text ME please!


      • @franze
        February 3, 2016 at 6:03 pm

        Love you too and always Will!


    9. @Sissy
      February 3, 2016 at 4:17 pm

      Take a deep breath.

      Please understand two things. First, you should be loved. You should be loved and cared for in all the ways you want to be. I am sorry that my words seem to have triggered such anguish. If you were mine, I promise you that you would NEVER for a moment feel as if you were not the most precious and magnificent creature in the universe. You would always know that the smallest complaint or discomfort you felt would be addressed by me, fully and swiftly if brought to my attention.

      Second, there is no chance that my words are for you as my intended has had for all his time on earth, the open door to bring any wants, needs or desires, pains or woes, without judgement, to me. Each and every time they were given everything I had to meet, soothe or defeat. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING would stop me from making him know he always had me there to defend him. He would always come to me directly and not a website if I was needed, wanted or otherwise desired. I know him like I know my name and not an ounce of defensiveness would he derive from what I’ve said here. He would have context and that is quite important, isn’t it? You do not, which is telling.

      In the place and time where we were… he knows the same story that I do. He was there. Both of us had no ill intentions and none could certainly have touched us in recent time.

      I want you to question me if you honestly belive I am ‘her’. I will answer honestly because I am sure I am not based on what I’ve already stated. All you have to do is tell me 3 things about myself and ask me 3 questions in return and we will have cleared this up. For a start, you would know why my moniker is A.Mused. Do you? Do you know why?

      I’ve already explained why I am sure (and why I write the way I do) but you don’t seem to be getting it. I would like to help you put it to rest as I would never want my own love to feel such unrest.

      If you chose to continue reaponding as if I were ‘her’ without confirmation, I will ignore it going forward, if only because it pains me to have such things posted where only my love and greif were ment to be expressed.



    10. @franze
      February 3, 2016 at 6:08 pm

      LMAO I am not a writer so stuff like this freaks ME out when I don’t know how to interpret it! My girl you are something else. Im soooo In Love with you! You are deeeep! OMG Im gonna sleep with the lights on for a week……


    11. Trystero
      February 3, 2016 at 9:07 pm

      Sissy. Well, that is a cosmic mindfu*k. Just how long has this been in the works, this chess game? Are you threatening me with death? Really? Is this entire site a charade, as well?


    12. @Trystero
      February 4, 2016 at 1:16 am

      Try to ignore the super-crazy on this site. I know that is difficult but the best you can do is force them into their own sandbox and hope nobody gets hurt before they get tired and goes home.

      As for my arrow, well, I must have terrible aim. It seems I’ve hit more than one innocent being.



    13. @ aurthor
      February 4, 2016 at 3:14 am

      This is too much! I can’t do this site anymore! It’s getting me absolutely nowhere! I’ve got to just accept that it is what it is! I didn’t want to heal and go forward without my girl. Maybe that is what I need to do for her and myself. Maybe me trying to force her to trust me is Just making her more miserable! I remember when I started using this site the first letter she wrote ME was asking me to please stop tugging at her heart so tightly and that it was hurting her! I should have listened to her! That day I should have Just respected her wishes. I am such a selfish person! I just never wanted to give up on us!


    14. @sissy
      February 4, 2016 at 9:56 am

      She is your muse because she is in your head, you don’t think she knows, but she does! Little do you know,you in fact are my muse!
      We have a connection that can be felt even When apart!

      Your Girl


    15. @sissy
      February 4, 2016 at 10:00 am

      Nothing you can do Will make me withdraw! Your stuck with me!
      Your Girl


    16. @sissy
      February 4, 2016 at 10:02 am

      I don’t care If this takes 10 yrs! +


    17. Wow
      February 4, 2016 at 1:26 pm

      @A.mused. I do not know how you have dealt with these replies!!!!!what has happened to everyone?!
      @franze.. Stop giving F a bad name
      To make that very very clear
      F=~AAA~ not franze….

      Excuse the highjack A.mused we have been mistaken for each other before.
      I hope you are defending those battlements, your writings are harrowing due to similarities sometimes but none the less they are a true joy to read.
      Wishing you all the best from beyond


    18. A.Mused
      February 4, 2016 at 3:00 pm

      Love the name by the way. Fan of the post-modern? or the ‘game’?



    19. Me
      February 4, 2016 at 4:50 pm

      I read and write and this site when I feel at a lost or need to say that to which is on my mind. This site seems to have lost some key people who made me feel well in knowing all of us suffer on one form or another. We all have unsendable letters. It seems to have taking on some young ones as well as older ones. The paths do show from one to another. This site isn’t letters found or people found. I find humor more or less in the responses I see.


    20. @A.mused
      February 5, 2016 at 2:22 am

      I’m sorry for writing on your posts & I am under no illusion that you were her for quite some time. It’s a rare talent to bring words to life. I unequivocally say to you & the other worried people that should be mature enough that this is L.I.N.S & NOT meant for you or you or anyone! If you read without judgement I imagined her saying this to me for the first half? These were her words to an extent. The coffee, I found that out at the end. Cheating, emotionally or physically is something I won’t tolerate as it says everything about their morals! How can you trust them & all I asked was for reassurance-words! The arrow was how much pain I’ve gone through. If you had lost 16% approx of your body weight from the distress you might not be so critical of me. The emotional distress is another story. There’s a reason there is no real content for then it does become personal. Your writing has inspired me & I should have posted it as a letter for its meant for me alone. It was a bad, no dumb choice made at that moment. I was once a writer who wrote fictional novels that are on book shelves, poetry that was breathtaking beautiful & here’s a secret lol, I helped a friend with erotic novels. Some of the best lines I wrote. I’m getting side tracked, thank you for I’m now beginning my writing again. How aghast everyone was, well that is nothing when I’m at my best for novels have to be vividly descriptive so the reader is drawn & now can picture it or resonate that they get a reaction to it? And look at what happened. No surprises there. The arrow was to remind myself that what happened was real & I wasn’t the nastiest descriptive words ever said to me & then blamed for things that had nothing to do with me! Do any of you know what that does to a Person? Why I didn’t write? Because what if she then decided to use this against me? Not that I believe she would but in this day & age I’m starting to see stuff that should never happen to people. I’ve always been surrounded by the right people so maybe I’m a newbie to this…?I’ve nothing more to say as it’s not anyone’s business, for if which YES I see you like always when you write. Shall I repeat your response here? It wouldn’t matter for you’ll deny it, so who in fact is playing games? Not me, otherwise I would have never tried so hard for so long & still do I want to believe yet your right these are just words of nothingness for this can’t be real & therefore I am a figment of my own imagination who will always believe LOVE to be the greatest gift we are freely given & to be able to share that journey with someone who is your Everything is what I hold sacred. Nothing in this world is so beautiful. Nothing!


    21. @A.mused
      February 5, 2016 at 5:04 am

      One last addition, as I’ve been writing on my phone there’s been typo errors. It had to be the title too..,it was meant to say “Sissi” who is a fictional character from a series. She was a Princess & Frantz was a Prince. It was an animated series from the 90’s. I’ve not watched it, the analogy of what they represented is why I used it. No more posts from me to you. Take care.


    22. ~AAA~
      February 5, 2016 at 1:12 pm

      Inspired by mn and learning about simplicity.
      I guess I am an enlightened fan to so much more than just postmodern…there’s some dark stuff out there.
      I could never compare myself with a 5star game if that is what you are referring to?
      I think “me” would get our ages at least a decade out 🙂
      But “me” you are right it does show through most of the time..

      Best wishes to all


    23. @everyone
      February 5, 2016 at 3:44 pm

      For the first time I can say your all delusional! Everyone of you is wrong! There was no ill intent & no thought it was for them, I wrote a piece that’s all nothing more about how I felt being used. To myself. This place has changed, I see words used now that weren’t used before until I had written them, how many copy cats are there here? It does depict their age. I’m sorry A.mused for I wasn’t under any illusion that your them & TBH I’m past caring. ~AAA~ So many times you have had it wrong as like now including what you said entirely. Oh I understand where & what is written from the titles-modern or the game? It’s not needed here for what your both writing! No wonder people get confused. I won’t say what I think of you for silence is golden.


    24. @me
      February 5, 2016 at 3:47 pm

      Good to know u can read and write 😉 … Otherwise you couldn’t be on this site when you are lost or when horrible witch is on your mind. Sorry found your response very funny and irresistible 🙂


    25. @AAA
      February 6, 2016 at 12:29 am

      I will keep that AAA= F in mind. I’m not sure why we have been confused but I started signing my posts to help. I’ve tried a few times to follow who is who with regulars/people who’ve been here awhile but its hard to do above the din of so much confusion.

      Nice to meet you. I am sorry to hear we have similar circumstances but at the same time happy to hear it, because not everyone gets such a life. With great love comes great loss, they say. Still I think its a special person capable of Great Love.



    26. @Franze
      February 7, 2016 at 1:26 am

      You make perfect sense. I understand now. I don’t mind if you just let me know you aren’t reaponding TO ME. Maybe start by saying ‘If thibwere for me’ or ‘I know this is for someone else’.
      It might even be helpful. My concern has only been that someone belived I was somone else.

      Lady and the Tramp was about Sissi and Franze as well as ths animated series. I know the real story only a bit. Which means that in some interesting way, your responding to me is correct. He was a bit of a tramp 😉 (That is a joke btw)

      Please understand that it is just a little upsetting for me when someone responds directly to me without explaining that it isn’t ment for me. If I was not sure he couldn’t respond it might get very confusing or scary.

      There was someone who posted a letter saying that they had been called a masochist and sef-centered directly after I wrote this letter. You can see how I would assume someone was reacting to me, clearly they were wrong.

      We’ve all got to get up and move on at some point, leaving the past behind and our loved ones in our hearts. There isn’t another choice for me as he’s (actually and literally) dead. I’m just working through it in a safe place.

      Be well and keep looking ahead. Life is shorter than we think.


    27. @A.mused @silence is golden
      February 7, 2016 at 3:02 am

      That is agreed there is mass confusion here hence why I too started signing my posts, I’m sorry I can’t help with your confusion more than that.
      Maybe sometimes we have a similar way with words perhaps, it was on the post I Admit if I remember correctly.
      As usual your words speak volumes
      Good luck on your journey.

      @silence is golden
      Wrong? I won’t censor myself here we have the glory of free speech just as you. Words are words you can not copy right every single one for your own. If you wish to preach of how wrong I am please don’t do it on this letter that has resonated with so many.

      This post is by A.mused not you… she is a person capable of great things and great love. Let her say all she wants to say.



    28. Oedipa Maas
      February 8, 2016 at 1:30 pm


      Get a room.


    29. Hello A.Mused
      April 7, 2016 at 11:09 am

      Where are you, you haven’t posted on here for a while …

      Hope you are well, we all miss you



    30. Apple
      April 7, 2016 at 5:45 pm

      Hey, you you you.


    31. A. Mused
      April 15, 2016 at 12:44 am

      I’m still here, reading. I took some time away in hopes that I could grow. Thank you for letting me know I am missed.

      I’ve been tounge tied and unable to write or create for awhile. It is as though I’ve been swallowed by an enormous NOTHING and it won’t let go. While that sounds dire, I am getting better a little at a time.

      -A. Mused



    Leave a Reply