My kids are sick today. So while they lay in bed watching movies I’m sitting in front of a window drinking tea and watching snow fall. I’m tired of snow. I’m ready for it to be warm again.
As always my mind drifts from the many problems in my marriage to you. I think about how my life is different when my husband is at work, does that make sense? It barely makes sense to me. Everyday he gets up and goes to work and I play with the kids and I let the dogs in and everything is so calm (most days). But everyday before he walks in the door I change. In the minutes before he gets home I start stressing out. The dogs go outside, my kids are in my way, and I frantically work on tidying the house so that he won’t be upset. Everyday, it feels like I live two seperate lives that are in conflict with each other.
Without prompting my mind shifts to you. Do you remember when I brought you that sandwich for lunch? It was warm that day. I used to bring lunch to my husband every day. Every single day. I remember how sweet you were and I remember you thanking me. He didn’t appreciate it like you did. To him it was something that was expected. Thanking me or acknowledging what it took to bring him a hot lunch, pack up a baby and get to his lunch on time was completely beyond his abilities. I seem to always wonder what my life would be like if we were together. Part of me wonders if my mind drifts to you because I know that good or bad my life would be vastly different if I’d made a different choice all those years ago.
I left my husband last May. I picked up divorce papers and filled them out. But I didn’t follow through. I went back to him. At the time I told myself that he was a good dad and that was enough to make up for the bullshit. I told myself that I could make it work with him, we just needed time. Now, everyday I kick myself for not following through. I picture my life being so much calmer without my husband in it. That sounds horrible, I know. But still I think about leaving him pretty often. Leaving him would hurt my kids though. So I stay.
I wonder how your marriage is going. You two look pretty happy. Are you supportive of her? Does she treat you well? I hope so. You deserve to be with someone that treats you well. I have a hard time picturing you doing or saying some of the shit my husband has, but then I’ve never been married to you. I remember you telling me that people change when they get married. I didn’t believe you, but I should have.
How many times have I told you not to compare me to other women? And here I am doing that to you. Honestly it’s been 5-6 years since I last saw you, I don’t even know you any more.
Do you remember the last time I saw you? I was at a bar with my friend and I called you to come hang out with us. I was engaged though. I think you left because you saw my ring. I never had the chance to tell you why I called you that day. After he proposed he started to change. Constantly monitoring where I was and who I was with. He started pushing me to stop hanging out with my friends. I think understandably I was starting to question whether or not I wanted to marry him. I always had feelings for you. They never went away. So I called you. The moment I saw you I knew that I didn’t want to marry him. But I got nervous and you left. It wasn’t very long after that that I found out I was pregnant.
I know that “if only” and “what if” won’t change how everything turned out. But knowing what I know now, living what I’ve lived the last few years, I would definitely choose differently if I had the choice.