A couple of years ago I had a complete nervous breakdown while on a trip. Not just crying a bit, or being dysfunctional, but just a complete break from reality nervous breakdown. It was long overdue, that’s for sure. I was on a break from my obviously ill-fated relationship (ill-fated of course, because I still love you and no one who dates me has been thrilled by that when I tell them or they realize it).
Anyway, this trip took me to some party destinations with the intent to just let loose like old days to escape for a while. We went to one spring break destination, and then flew to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. And anyway, I just had a total, all-encompassing nervous breakdown, where I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. Nothing like that had happened to me in the 10+ years post-us…. I had been detached and in a fog to be sure, but never truly crazy where I didn’t know what was going on, like this. I’m pretty sure I was talking to myself out loud, in my head, I think I was saying insane things, I was having the darkest most dysfunctional thoughts of my life, and I didn’t even know what was real and what wasn’t. This level of crazy was new. Anyway, I had a history with the girl I was with on this trip… I had hooked up with her in the past, you had hooked up with her in the past, she was ignoring my obviously broken emotional state to pass her underwear to some guy in a bar and take little digs at me, and I was just losing my shit because my mind could no longer bear the disconnect between where I was in life and what I had wanted out of life.
I ended up grabbing some guy who was probably around your height, dark hair, I wouldn’t say he really looked like you but I decided to just pretend that he was you for the night. I knew he wasn’t really you at all- that was probably the only piece of reality that I was aware of by this point- but I decided to pretend that he was you for a while, to just close my eyes and pretend he was you and kiss him and then everything would be okay, because I would pretend that I was kissing you. (That’s another song I’ve listened to over the years… “Kissing You.” Des’Ree. Amazing song.) And kiss him I did. This complete stranger, I kissed him like he was Odysseus coming back from 10 years away and I was Penelope. I kissed him like he was a soldier coming back from war and I was his long lost love. I locked eyes with him and kissed him like I had known him my whole life. I jumped into his arms, no real introduction, practically knocked him over, I kissed his eyelids softly, his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, I breathed him in and kissed his ears, his lips, I pushed my tongue into his mouth, I kissed him hard and soft and and slowly and fast. I gave him soft kisses all over his face and deep kisses. I’m pretty sure I bit him and nuzzled him and maybe even licked his face once, just a little love lick, and basically acted like a complete lunatic. Meanwhile, this guy was probably thinking “Wow this girl is COMPLETELY batshit nuts, but I am going to get laid tonight! This is awesome. What a crazy woman.” (he didn’t get laid, btw). But anyway, I didn’t care what he was thinking at the time at all, because I pretended that I was kissing you finally, and it was almost amazing. I knew it wasn’t real so it wasn’t quite amazing, but it was a little amazing, and it very slowly brought me back from the complete nervous breakdown I had been having for days and probably kept me from getting hospitalized and/or arrested for having a mental breakdown and the things that were coming out of my mouth.
And I finally got to kiss you the way I wished I had that last time we kissed, the way I meant it.