I’m sure you know that I talk to other girls. Or more accurately that I have from time to time. You probably even know who they are. I’m not trying to hide anything from you. I guess I do it for a few reasons:
Obviously to try to make you jealous, thinking that will somehow bring us together. That trick never seems to work. But guess what? I learned that, among many other things, from you.
So I don’t get rusty. Talking to girls is a skill. I’m sure you’re horrified by that statement, “No, you just have to be yourself and be honest!” Yeah right, like that ever worked with you. I feel like I have to practice from time to time, so that if I ever see you again Ill be ready.
Most significantly, because I’m fucking lonely. It’s so nice to have someone to talk to. Its so nice to get a simple “Good morning” text. I certainly don’t get any of that from you. You’re too cool or too proud to actually talk to me. And honestly, I need it. I need some affirmation that I’m important to someone, anyone, that someone wants me. Otherwise its like, “Why bother taking care of myself? Why not have another drink, or another cigarette? No ones waiting for me at home. No ones going to text/call me. Why bother going to the gym? Sex? Hahahahaha, yeah fucking right. I literally can’t even remember the last time I had sex, although I do remember I didn’t cum. That’s right I faked my orgasm. The last time I had sex and actually enjoyed it? Idk 4 years ago maybe???” So yeah, maybe I trick myself into caring about myself, because its really hard to do that when it seems like no one else does.
I hope none of this upsets you too greatly. Your spot in my heart has never been remotely threatened. None of the girls compare to you in the slightest. This last one especially. It was just like all the others. Nothing happened, I didn’t even kiss her. Just strung her along to make me feel good. I know you don’t care about how many hearts I break (2015 count: 3), I think you actually get some sick pleasure out of that. And, just like all the others, she will/has already rebounded with some guy she’ll probably marry someday. That’s like my secret skill. This is just how it goes, like a script I’ve seen play out over and over again. It sucks for me a little, but I’ve learned to accept the consequences of my choices.
And this was my choice. That’s really the purpose of this letter. Idk if maybe, from far away in your ivory tower you observe my life and see my trying to hook up and constantly failing. Its not like that. You’ve experienced my wrath firsthand, you know how explosive it can be. But Im getting better at controlling it. There are lots of times I want to say nasty things to you and I find the self-control to refrain. There was a moment with this last girl, where I had a choice to make. Eat a little shit, and keep this going. Or say what I really feel, and end it forever. I took a second, and really grasped the gravity of my decision. And then I blew up on her spectacularly, and honestly, it felt really good. I have not for even one second regretted what I said, nor have I tried to fix anything with her.
I don’t why I’m telling you all this. Maybe just so you hear my side too. But it’s not like my innate honesty has ever done me any favors with you. Rather, you generally hold it against me. Maybe that can be a 2016 resolution. Just stop telling you the truth and tell you what you want to hear. Maybe then you’ll be the one who tries to make me feel better and not just constantly ignoring me. I guess we’ll see. Alright then, tata for now, gotta get ready for another kiss-less Christmas/new years. This will be my 26th consecutive year.