• You Make Me Want to Cuss Myself Out

    by  • December 9, 2015 • To You • 0 Comments

    Well, it’s almost Christmas. I’ve been waiting every day for that out of nowhere text from you. Since it’s late, I’ve been telling myself that you finally took me seriously after I told you last year when you popped up in my phone that you made me want to cuss myself out and that if you were going to be a part of my life then be a part of my life, but if you didn’t want to be a part of my life and weren’t going to be a regular part of my life to just leave me alone.

    Then I started going through my texts before I finally deleted them and remembered, with a big old smack to the head that you had asked me to call you when I had time. But I did not. I played the “safe” card.

    I wanted to call you. I had your phone number dialed quite a few times. I just never hit send. Partially because sometimes you mess something up so bad that there is nothing salvageable. Not even a friendship. You question a person’s motive, even if you shouldn’t. And I didn’t want to know the finality of it all.

    Truly though, it was because I had no idea where to begin. So, tonight, I’m going to say to this stupid Internet, “Hello from the other side. I wonder if you’ve come home from California for the holiday? I wonder how you are? I wonder how much you’ve changed? I miss you. I’m sorry things went left between us instead of going right like they should have. I so much enjoyed our Wednesday night IM’s while you worked late, before I ever actually spent any time with you. And I so much enjoyed spending the time with you and your daughter and our friends that we did that September, and then all of our late night phone conversations (for me anyway due to the time difference), and all of our texts during the day after you had to go back, and me looking forward to getting on a plane to California to come see you. I’m sorry that never happened. I will be forever thankful that my now ex friends introduced me to you. I don’t think I will ever forget you.”

    And did I mention I still miss you and still think about you? I’m sure I did. I just want to admit it now, instead of denying it like I did before every time you’d ask me if I did in what was the cat and mouse game we seemed to be playing after I veered so far off the road.

    Also, so you know, I pretty much shut down, and there has been no one since you. And no, that is not a lie. I have no need to lie. A few of the things you asked me in your texts last year couldn’t have been any further off. I’ve just felt ‘done’ since things turned out the way they did with you. And that’s a lot for me to admit to you, but I don’t feel bad doing it, because it is the truth.

    I should’ve picked up the phone and said all of that to you, and so you know, I wish I had of last year, but now it’s been a year, and we all know how much things can change in a month, let alone a year. I’d hate to intrude on your life.

    5 months ago I was shocked you didn’t even know who it was when I text you. I now realize when I chose not to call, you chose to delete me. And I’ll live with that. But while I’m living, I’ll think of you from time to time I am sure. And I’ll always wonder, “what if?” But I suppose it’s time for me to delete you too. While you have not actually been there, I can’t believe I’ve kept you “in” my life this long.

    I’m sure every time you cross my mind you will also always make me want to cuss myself out. I bet you $100 to a bucket of sh*t that if I asked you right now to tell me honestly if you even realized for the last 4 years you’d randomly contact me in some way around the holiday that you’d say, “no.” And I will always call bullsh*t. 🙂

    It also freaked me out a little with you trying to tell me I had text you first when I have always been very careful not to, even though I’ve kept your information in my phone this whole time. Your doing that felt like it was right back to the same stupid little game. And I’ve always hated that game. You realize it’s really felt like just one big game? And the only games I have left to play are with my niece and nephew.

    This is going to sound very random, but I just want you to know I’ve never dreamed of you. I dream of everyone but you, weirdly, and frequently, to the point that it bothers me. I like to think that is because they are all gone, but you, will forever be in my heart, so you have no place in my dreams.

    I want you to know that I hope you and everything in your life is amazing. I miss the idea of you terribly. And like I’ve said a zillion times, I miss you.

    You deserve the best, Jon. And I hope the best is what you have.

    Somebody That You Used to Know

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

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