Criminal. The word itches and gives me the shakes and causes tears to roll down my eyes. Sure, it’s all fun to think you can get away with giving someone your drug connections while you are drunk as fuck and blindly in love. But what you don’t know? It is not funny to break people’s hearts, to cause addictions and madness, to constantly feel like you have to run from your past to better your future but yet when you look in the mirror: the past is starting straight at you. Sex, love, money, control, fame, submission, drugs, alcohol. They can do messed up things to people. It can break worlds apart, families homes, your identity, your reputation, your character, your morals, your LIFE. In a matter of shattering seconds when the person I thought I loved deeply more than life said he did not love me: it made me realize who I have become and what I am becoming and who I could become. Gross to think that I felt I needed to chase pavements, fuck away pain, give coke away freely to my loved one when both him and I were suffering in different ways emotionally and physically, that I need any bit of money I can get to forget how little friends I have now because of how I am in a constant circle of emotional wreckage and destruction of others. I am failing to see which is the right path: 1) do I confess my sins to the Lord and pray He will show me the right way, 2) do I continue my mental health and new path?, 3) do I runaway?, or lastly 4) do I go to the police and confess my criminal acts of injustice? I used to be so wise and used to be able to speak my mind and feelings but now when I do, I think I am just a foolish girl who dealt with the wrong hand and I am nothing but a pale white face creep who is in love with someone who may never see her the same because of her words and actions.