What am I supposed to say? No, really, I’m truly asking because I’m terrified that whatever I say could be the last thing I say to you, and I don’t want to mess that up. My heart’s in consistent, throbbing, pain. It feels as though every pump of my heart is being squeezed through solid bricks with little to no holes. I can’t breathe on most days. My mind”s just trying to figure everything out and make sense of everything. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so stressed with all the chaotic emotions inside me and in choosing the right ones to display. I feel like my mind is so noisy that when all of the thoughts run at once, it’s just quiet.
I wish my mind could actually be quiet.
I love you. I miss the days when I knew I had forever with you. I just knew that this could never end because nobody got sick, nobody died, no one grew old. Grandmas leave sooner than their grandchildren though, in most cases. I just wish you didn’t have to go before your body did.
I really hope that the medication they have you on takes you off to a world like our stories we told when I stayed over. Talking animals, weird adventures, beautiful worlds that make all your pain and suffering go away. I hope that my visits don’t pain you more as we get closer to the end. I also hope I can be strong for you, I try very hard not to cry in front of you. I hope you don’t think that it’s because I don’t care.
I wish there was a way to vent the pain I’m feeling, and the anger, and the sadness all at once without looking insane. I don’t know what I want or how to continue as long as you’re still suffering. I’m tired because I just want you to have peace.