• To S….

    by  • September 26, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 4 Comments

    you are the love that should never have been. Something I wasn’t looking for that captured me and now I don’t think I’ll ever fully escape. It’s been almost 6 years…..almost 6 years of the most tumultuous love affair I have known. You touched my heart in a way no-one else has but now you’ve decided you don’t want anymore. All I’ve ever done is love you. I’ve changed your life ( you admit that), I’ve made you ‘live’ again and waited patiently whilst you worked through some difficult times. I’ve never been able to understand why you expect me to support you & be there for you when you’re having a hard time but you won’t be there for me – ever? You’ve abandoned me during some of the hardest times I’ve ever had to go through. I don’t think you’ve a bit of genuine sympathy anywhere in your body. Yes, you go through the motions of it occasionally but only when there’s something in it for you. I’m beginning to think that’s what this whole thing has been about – what you could get from me.
    All the right words have slipped so easily from your tongue but you haven’t meant any of them. They’ve all been for a purpose – your own gain. You know you have me hanging on a string & that I would do anything for you. That’s the problem – I opened my heart too readily and far too generously. And yet still I love you. I feel you are my soulmate and everything I could want in a man, and yet there is a darker, selfish side to you that causes you to lie to me without hesitation if it suits you. What you don’t know tho is that I know you have been lying, I know where you’ve been when you’ve told me something else, and I know that you’ve said things about me to people I wouldn’t want you to.
    Our relationship has always been difficult and hard work because of the circumstances. Neither of us should’ve entered into it at all, but we both went ahead with our eyes wide open, fully knowing what we were doing could bring. However, I thought I could control it, that it wouldn’t take me somewhere I didn’t want to be, but instead it has possessed me entirely and I am totally at its mercy. I wish I hadn’t done or said some of the things I have, and yet how can I regret something which brought me such happiness? But I was a fool really because I thought I could see a happy ending for us, but I didn’t realise you weren’t being honest and it’s taken me so long to come to terms with that. Even now my heart still clings to the hope that you might choose me over her. You have told me how unhappy you are and you can see it. But at the same time I don’t think you’re unhappy enough – you have a comfortable life together and you do what you want….or maybe you don’t – at least not where I’m concerned anymore. You used to move heaven & earth to see me but now I’m lucky if I get a couple of hours a week out of you for you to take what you want & leave me wondering exactly what was in that for me…..
    You’ll never know or understand the risks I’ve taken to spend time with you. The time with my family that I’ve missed, all the lies I’ve told. I’ve hated it all and yet loved being with you. I’ve never turned you down or stood you up. I’ve lost count of the times you e promised me something and haven’t delivered and you always have an excuse. Always. And it’s rarely true.
    So after months of being let down and being at the bottom of your priority list I now find myself cast aside because you ‘ can’t take it anymore’. The reason? I felt down & was upset because you’d let me down again and fobbed me off with a horrible bunch of lies. You even got your wife to text me about it so goodness knows what you said to her about me. When I couldn’t really tell you what the problem was because I didn’t want to say I knew you were lying ( because of how I knew, but let’s say iPhones can be useful things 😉 ) you threw a major tantrum & told me after nearly 6 years that it was over. Just like that. With no attempt to understand why I felt the way I did.
    And so my heart is broken. I can never feel the same about you, you’ve hurt me too much and too many times. I want you to feel as broken as I do. I want you to be unable to function like I do.
    And yet, yes, I still love you……

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    4 Responses to To S….

    1. anony
      September 26, 2015 at 2:53 pm

      so let me get this straight… you messed around with a married man for 6 years… and you thought he was a good man… who would give you a future and leave his wife… and now you’re upset because you’ve only just begun to realize that he’s a no-good, lying, manipulative, deceiving, sociopathic waste of time… do you maybe see the problem here?

      do you really think that any man could be a good man if he cheats on his wife with you? for six long years at that! c’mon, you are just as responsible as he is! nothing good ever comes from cheating, and i suppose karma got you this time. i cannot feel sorry for you, because you should have known better in the first place. of course he lied to you, of course he used you, of course he broke your heart!… what did you expect? he’s a fucking cheater!!! what makes you so much more fucking special to think that you didn’t deserve this, but his wife did??? grow up and learn your lesson.


    2. M
      September 27, 2015 at 11:52 am

      You and me both, author.
      Awful, isn’t it?


    3. Peter C
      September 28, 2015 at 6:03 pm

      This sounds very painful for you, especially after six years. It’s easy for commentators to say you should have known better, but the heart has its reasons that reason cannot know. I can hear in your words how easy it is to continue to believe, to recognize the excuses and dishonesty and still believe in love. I’m sorry that it hurts so much, and that after all this, even after such a terrible breakup, you still feel that your heart is in love.

      What we feel often drowns out what we think and know. What we feel seems authentic and valid; what we think can seem stale and dry by comparison. You know that if you continue to let your heart lead, natural as it feels, you will never pull yourself out of this morass of choking mud. Your only hope is to do what feels unnatural – let your head lead, harden your heart against itself and its soft murmurings and warm hopes; do what you know is necessary rather than what just feels right.

      This also means bracing yourself; keeping yourself busy; being kind to yourself as you would be to any suffering friend. It is best to set all judgment aside – of him and of yourself. You know better than most what all took place here, history is of most value as a guide not as a bludgeon. Be gentle with yourself, be firm when you feel the urge to slip back, treasure the small progresses. They add up to big steps over months, it will take months and months.

      I wish you strength and healing.


    4. anony
      September 29, 2015 at 9:33 pm

      it’s as easy for commentators to sympathize as it is for me to criticize. we get it… she loved him. deeply. he touched her soul. possibly forever. and he broke her… how sad. i say this, not with sarcasm – because it is, truly sad…
      it’s sad that humankind has become so weak, so selfish, so unaccountable. it’s sad that we can stand back and watch a poor blind woman take a knife to the back a million times over – yet we do not beg her assailant to stop. we – do – not – even – fucking – flinch… because we don’t care. what good is she to us? after all, we don’t know her, and we don’t care to. she is – insignificant, so…
      anyway, back to what really matters – the prize! look at that big, beautiful, powerful man… see how the sun highlights every crevice… of every muscle… on those strong, hardworking arms… how smooth are his movements, swift and clean… as he draws back the blade, and plunges forward without fear. without regret. without mercy. he is a natural you know… the ruthless blood warrior. he is God. and he did this – for you. all for you. be proud, feel special… after all, he made you his Goddess. he even brought a knife for you. what a team.
      oh… what’s that you say?… speak up, i can’t hear you… did I just hear you say that he cut you? aww, poor baby… I’m sure it was only an accident.



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