13 years ago we met… Time is a funny thing ain’t it? I didn’t realize it at first, but by our junior year of high school I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.
“I love you, but I don’t know if I’m IN love with you.” you told me. I should have known.
When we graduated high school together, committed to attending separate universities I thought we would be okay. It would be hard, but I loved you. I wanted so badly to just drive up and see you. You wouldn’t have liked that. You were a planner, and always had to have things set up. I should have though. Your sorority quickly took over your ‘free time’ and our conversations got shorter and shorter, and fewer and farther between. I felt the end coming, but couldn’t bring myself to loosen my grip. When it finally ended I felt my world collapsing. I managed to keep my head above water until I finally got a hold of you.
“Pass that bong.” I said to my roommate.
I didn’t smoke weed until college. I remember once we got back together, and then broke up again I tried smoking soooo much. Even that didn’t stop the hurt. I remember coughing and crying at the same time, equally upset at what happened and that the weed wasn’t even making me feel better. I went on like that for a while. Then, finally senior year of college we started talking again. It took me a while to let my guard down, but once I did it was so familiar. I did, and was, and am in love with you. A month or so before graduation, and my birthday you stopped talking to me again. A few days later, my Jeep broke down. Again my life was crumbling. I got on anti-depressants that time.
My life can be explained by times when you are in it and times when you are not. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it is.
When I got my new fancy job I thought I finally made it. My past was over, and good things were ahead. About a year after moving you contacted me. You were in graduate school in a different state, but you seemed happy. We would talk and watch TV shows together. It really meant a lot to me. I know, now, that it was stupid, but it was my favorite part of the week. I never knew I could feel so close to someone that is 1,000 miles away. You graduated, and moved back home. I finally thought this would be our time.
“Someday.” You always told me.
To me, someday was now- or then. It’s a weird feeling when you realize that someday is already in the past. I never saw you that entire time we were living in the same state. We would talk constantly, but could never work it out to get together. When I thought things were going well, you told me that you were seeing someone else. Boom, game over. I was selfishly hoping it wouldn’t work out, but I knew it was when you moved to the state he was in. Now you two look happy. You’ve tried contacting me a couple of times, but I just can’t talk to you. I am IN love with you. I have been since high school. I want nothing more than for you to be happy, but it breaks my heart every day knowing that your happy with someone else. It’s been over a year now, and I’m sure you’re going to marry him. Every morning I wake up alone, wishing you were here. Some days are better than others, but I have to constantly remind myself that someday is in the past, our dreams are just that, and you’re with him.
And that leaves me here, now. Sitting on my bed, writing this letter to you that I will never send. Today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow, and someday is the past. I quit my fancy job, and am now trying to be happy for me. Thank you for helping me see who I needed to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy. I’ve told you before, but if you ever need anything I am here. You are my best memory.
Miss you J****.