We have been friends for longer than either of us ever imagined we would be. 13 years ago meeting someone online was something people wanted to hide. Add to it the fact that we were middle schoolers and the idea of a lasting friendship seems impossible. Yet, here we are. You have known me for more than half of my life. And for a good deal of that time I was infatuated with you, or at least the idea of who I thought you were. You seemed so smart and put together and sophisticated. You were dependable and honest.
I was a train wreck of emotions when it came to you. I always was and probably always will be. I am sorry I wasn’t a better friend to you. The few times you needed someone to lean on I left you high and dry. Always selfish and angry you would never give me another chance at being in a relationship. You’re reading this getting frustrated; you have always wanted to leave the past in the past. I just want you to know how sorry I am I wasn’t as good to you as you have been to me.
Last year, when I broke up with Enrique I wanted so badly to depend on you as I had always done before. To hear you tell me how I am worth so much more, how I was an idiot for going back again hoping things would change; your usual dose of reality. I couldn’t. You were with Shannon and seemed really happy. I didn’t wanna risk messing anything up for you, no matter how remote that possibility was.
See, when I was with Enrique I chose to give it a real shot. This meant, choosing him over you because being with you hadn’t been an option for the last 10 years. I spent so much time being bitter about that, especially when I lived two hours away. You know, you never even invited me to come see your town. You probably never realized this but you were in every one of my relationships. Looking back I know that if you had ever said the word I would have broken up with any of my boyfriends in an instant.
Being that I believe everything happens for a reason, so I trust the fact that this never happening was for a reason too. The reason it didn’t work out for you is plain as day. For me things aren’t quite as clear. Maybe I will find it on my next adventure, or maybe it is so the upcoming adventure can happen.
I am moving to North Dakota before the years’ end. My friend, who I am watching slowly fall in love, has a boyfriend out there. He can’t move for a year so we are going there. I can’t explain the difference between this move and all the others except to say I am not running from or to anything. Maybe that is the only difference.
We are both embarking on a new phase in life, heading down different roads. You will be a husband soon and I will be from the mid-west. I guess that is the point of this letter. I want you to know, no matter how far life takes us away from one another, no matter how much time has passed since we last talked, no matter how terribly unsupportive I have been in the past, I will always be here for you if you need me, trying to be a better friend than I was ever before.