I let go
I spent time thinking, knowing I was right
Why am I feeling this pain now?
Who leaves hell then wants to return?
Who kisses Satan in disguise then wants to again?
Who burns to death then longs for the flames once more?
Who has been murdered then loves for their killer?
I’m so angry with myself, angry with you.
But yet I’ve found myself missing you.
Missing the fire you gave me, ruining yet giving my life a forbidden painful purpose.
I find myself lying in bed secretly wishing you’d wrap your arms around me once more
Telling me how you’ve missed me
Saying you’ll make everything alright, that I can return and it’ll be like I never left
Like you never betrayed or hurt me
Oh, if only
Poison never becomes an antidote
I don’t know even what I miss
I miss the dream of what I wanted you to be, of what I wanted to be
Of who I wanted us to be
Dreams don’t come true
At least not ones as insane as my own
I miss those moments, those couple of incidents where I felt that you cared for me
That maybe you loved me
As you wrapped your arms around me,
As you looked into my eyes
As I hoped you knew everything I’ve ever wanted to say
That maybe, just maybe, you knew and felt the pain I had always been feeling
I learned, oh how much I’ve learned,
Gasoline doesn’t put out fire
You were no exception
My fire is being put out, and it wants to live, it wants to return with all the force it’s ever had and more, and in order to it needs so desperately the Gasoline that has always kept it going
I must let it extinguish
It must go out
It must never be put in the vulnerability of ever rekindling
Which means never being in a flammable presence
Which means never being with you
It hurts it hurts so much
How do I stop myself?
How do I keep myself from danger?
How do I stay away?
My heart will always long for what kills me