• The Fire, The Gasoline, And The Final Extinguish

    by  • September 24, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 5 Comments

    I let go

    I left

    I spent time thinking, knowing I was right

    Why am I feeling this pain now?
    This longing?

    Who leaves hell then wants to return?

    Who kisses Satan in disguise then wants to again?

    Who burns to death then longs for the flames once more?

    Who has been murdered then loves for their killer?

    I’m so angry with myself, angry with you.
    But yet I’ve found myself missing you.

    Missing the fire you gave me, ruining yet giving my life a forbidden painful purpose.

    I find myself lying in bed secretly wishing you’d wrap your arms around me once more
    Telling me how you’ve missed me
    Saying you’ll make everything alright, that I can return and it’ll be like I never left
    Like you never betrayed or hurt me

    Oh, if only

    Poison never becomes an antidote

    I don’t know even what I miss
    I miss the dream of what I wanted you to be, of what I wanted to be
    Of who I wanted us to be

    Dreams don’t come true

    At least not ones as insane as my own

    I miss those moments, those couple of incidents where I felt that you cared for me
    That maybe you loved me
    As you wrapped your arms around me,
    As you looked into my eyes
    As I hoped you knew everything I’ve ever wanted to say
    That maybe, just maybe, you knew and felt the pain I had always been feeling
    I learned, oh how much I’ve learned,

    Gasoline doesn’t put out fire

    You were no exception

    My fire is being put out, and it wants to live, it wants to return with all the force it’s ever had and more, and in order to it needs so desperately the Gasoline that has always kept it going

    I must let it extinguish

    It must go out

    It must never be put in the vulnerability of ever rekindling

    Which means never being in a flammable presence

    Which means never being with you

    It hurts it hurts so much

    How do I stop myself?
    How do I keep myself from danger?
    How do I stay away?

    My heart will always long for what kills me

    5 Responses to The Fire, The Gasoline, And The Final Extinguish

    1. Anon
      September 25, 2015 at 2:46 pm

      This is so beautifully and tragically written.
      I have no words.
      This is one of the saddest and most beautiful things I’ve ever read.
      Thank you for this.

      I wish you the very best.

    2. Dreams Come True
      September 25, 2015 at 11:05 pm

      They Do.

    3. M
      September 27, 2015 at 11:58 am

      Beautiful, and exactly how I feel.
      Thank you, and look after yourself.

    4. @Dreams Come True
      September 28, 2015 at 11:11 pm

      Not always.

    5. P
      October 1, 2015 at 9:03 am

      So beautiful, and so sad…

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