• Light by Lamp

    by  • September 20, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 0 Comments

    What am I supposed to say here? You’ve all let me down. I was forgiving for the longest, kind of heart and gentle, yet I suffered a great deal for all of your indiscretions. Then things changed. He stumbled into the biggest part of my life, creating delusions of happiness while simultaneously destroying me. It was always a game to him. Pull me in, crush me, puSh me out, pull me in. Through it all, fear and abuse, and weakness and anger, and everything in between, I stayed. What can I say? I’m clearly an idiot in love with a psychopath. And I think about leaving but I gave up everything I knew before I knew what he is. One bad decision, marriage. And despite the times when I was your saving grace, the intervention you needed, the shoulder to cry on, the ear that listened, the one who bought you groceries when I couldn’t really even afford to feed myself, the one who loved you all. The child who became your caretaker, or the sibling who stepped in to care for your family while you were out on crack binges. And through it all, I had been nothing but stepped on, beaten and defeated in all my efforts. Was I not the one who stepped up when he had the gun pointed at you? Was I not the one that took your pills from you the night you attempted suicide? Was I not the one who realized you were near death and drove you to the hospital, your husband sound asleep? And for all of this, no one can bother to ask me how I am doing these days. Perhaps, I’m not doing so well. Perhaps, I’m stuck and I don’t know my way out of this abusive situation I’m in. And I have to pretend everything is ok, well at least to those who may see me. The world isn’t supposed to know that I’m not ok, not that anyone ever asks anyways. You told me I would never graduate highschool, I made it to graduate school. I bet none of you even know what ungrad university I graduated from, or what grad school I’m currently attending. I just feel alone and I feel trapt. I’m disappointed in all of you and I’m angry at him. Saddly, I love you all. I have spent my life advocating and caring for each of you, when will it be my turn? Just maybe not to feel so alone.

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