• Unloving Parent

    by  • September 18, 2015 • Parents • 1 Comment

    How can a parents love be conditional? Easy, the parent is emotionally messed up. Or in your case mom, extremely fucked up.
    You either don’t think I can remember or you don’t care. How could you just lock me in my room for hours, crying, sad, alone…. I was a toddler. You neglected me so badly that I created an imaginary friend. At least he loved me.
    Then when my sister was born you would send me to grandmas. I remember one day you and my sister were hugging, I asked for one too, you shook your head and turned away. I can’t believe I still remember that. It was over 20 years ago. Still stings a bit.
    I remember a lot.
    “If i hadn’t gotten pregnant with you I wouldn’t have married your father.”
    “You were supposed to be a boy, then I wouldn’t have had any more kids.”
    “Your dad used to leave welts on you, but as soon as he started to hit your sister, I made him stop.”

    Just a few gems I can’t forget. I can also remember you telling me graphic stories about how parents would abuse and murder their children. I doubt many 5 year olds knew the details of Adam Walsh’s story….but I did. Sybil too.

    You can imagine the horror that ran through my mind after having my first child. What kind of mom will I be?
    I looked down at my child and felt nothing but LOVE! The more I think about how I feel about my kids, the more Angry I become with you. How could a parent treat their beautiful baby the way you treated me?

    I hate you mom.

    One Response to Unloving Parent

    1. Peter C
      September 18, 2015 at 10:32 pm

      You are so courageous to write. It is terrible what you endured as a child. Every child is the most wonderful, most amazing child ever born, every child has a birthright of unconditional love, of safety, of trust and of protection against the world. How sad, how wrong then what you went through. You were beautiful then, you are beautiful now, but those who should have protected you were terribly damaged. None of it your fault, you did nothing wrong. The only wrong thing, tragically, was your mother. You were meant to be with a family that loved you and treasured you as a precious gift. Something went wrong, your mother went so wrong, and you were thrust into an unearned, lonely, neglected childhood.

      But then, how amazing that this terrible cycle stops with you and your child! How many people, having gone through your trials, could bring themselves to trust feeling love? How many would be broken beyond measure? And yet somehow, you have found the strength and courage to connect, and to love.

      Tracks in childhood settle deep. Many of us carry small complaints about their childhood – a father with a hand that was too free, a mother too frazzled or tired to always be there. And even then, we need wise outside help to fully transform ourselves into what we were meant to be. How much more, then for you. Have you had the wisdom, the counseling, that would help you transform this sadness & anger? Would you consider it?

      You know, I thought i was fine, and so I sought therapy way too late in my life, but when I did I found a deep well of sadness, and with help I was able to set it free. Think about it, is it possible for you?

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