• the mad ones?

    by  • September 17, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, To Everybody • 8 Comments

    Why are people so critical of others who want to work and play through the night, for all their lives- who want to skid into their deathbeds exhausted and completely burnt out? Who want to love fiercely and without reservation?

    “the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”

    I’d like to spend enough time around a few others that I know them, and they know me, inside and out… so we can really dig into the matter of our lives and ourselves. I don’t want superficial relationships where we never go far beyond the polite and the best-face-forward. Those are too prevalent already in the face-to-face world. I don’t want yawning conversation and platitudes- I want to get to the meat of it. I want to love and feel loved and I won’t apologize for that need…

    I want trusted friendships and honest love… raw, honest, anything but white lies and alibis…

    Material goods don’t make us more complete- but they are fun… I wanted to go fast and far and do it in style… was that so wrong?

    I’d like to see Salar de Uyuni and the Running of the bulls and Angkor Wat and, well, everything… the more and less obscure… in a span of three days, if I could!… because there’s so much left in this world to see…

    Why does this all unsettle people, that I didn’t want to ever stop? It’s not to please others- if anything, everyone keeps telling me to slow down. It’s because I ENJOYED IT! It’s because life is only so long! What the fuck are we wasting time for? Why are we sitting on our hands? Why aren’t we dancing?

    I just (used to) want to experience as much as I could, to try everything…

    Why does this make people so unsettled, or so suspicious, or want to look for my flaws? Why does it make one-semester psych majors want to diagnose? Maybe she’s manic? Co-dependent? (I’ve been to a psychiatrist, she said I was fine). Maybe instead of criticizing me… you should think about whether there is something about me that makes you dislike something about you?

    And a note to myself, I need to stop criticizing back, because it is a bad defensive habit I’ve developed. If you want to live life at a slow pace and with a bit of discretion and caution, fine, but it only makes you different- not of sounder mind. I will throw caution to the wind…

    We only get one life. I’m not going to apologize for myself, I’m going to start pointing the finger back at the critics and saying, “maybe you are the ones who need to self-examine….”

    (I will admit that I need to stop dragging unwilling souls kicking and screaming along for the ride, however, and I am sorry for that)…. but for the record, I think that your glacial crawl through life is what’s mad. Not that it matters.

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    8 Responses to the mad ones?

    1. A
      September 17, 2015 at 1:25 pm

      I have a feeling I know who wrote this. Im petty sure the girl I love is ‘mad’ and so am I but we’re the best kind of mad possible. I don’t live life at slow pace and I don’t live cautiously.

      The girl I love and I should be together. She should break up with her boyfriend and contact me. It’s really that simple. If we were together then we can start doing all sorts of new things together and have an incredible life, together.

      A




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    2. Peter C
      September 17, 2015 at 4:13 pm

      Yes! Yes! Yes! Rage against it all. Each moment comes not again, each like a small death. Mordaunt said: “Sound, sound the clarion, fill the fife; throughout the sensual world proclaim: one crowded hour of glorious life is worth an age without a name!”

      Edna smiles: “My candle burns at both ends, It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, It gives a lovely light!” And I love her for it.

      Deep, deep – go deep. Deep is not speed, depth it is the full throated embracing of all, the piercing cry, the overwhelming joy bursting in the throat. Wolfe said “the joy, the pain, the grandeur bursting in the great vine of the heart, swelling like a huge grape in the throat—mad, sweet, wild, intolerable with all the mystery, loneliness, wild secret joy, and death, the ever-returning and renewing fruitfulness of the earth!”

      Go unapologetic, embrace, death is long and life but short. Tennyson said “deep as first love, and wild with all regret; O Death in Life, the days that are no more!”

      Find what is authentic. Run, run from the cautious, the blank look, the deadening word. Embrace it all!! Above all, trust, be hurt but trust again, and again.

      This is a true story. There was a survey done decades ago of people in their late eighties. And there was just one question. If you could live your life over again, what would you do different? And so strange, so marvelous, the majority said “well, I’d probably do many things the same. Follow the same career, marry the same person. But if I could do my life over again there is one thing I would do different. I would take more chances.” I always tear up when I think of this; here are people who have no more capacity to take risks, to dare, to leap into the blue with a laugh unknowing where they will land. They are at the end of their life; it is all done. And the one thing they would do is – take more risks.




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    3. Frustrated OP
      September 18, 2015 at 9:20 am

      Peter, I agree wholeheartedly with this life philosophy. But I have encountered so many people who have criticized me, or tried to trip me up, who have tried to break my spirit further, who have told unbelievable lies to me or kept major secrets from me for years, who have backstabbed me, mocked me, gossiped, observed cautiously from a distance but generally avoided me, that I’m starting to feel like I’ve had a target on my back my whole life. That’s not to say that I’m without flaws, I’ve had many… but I feel like I started out pretty freaking great in life and with things figured out at a young age- how things should be. I feel like people have beaten the good out of me emotionally over time, that a lot of my flaws are the result of people’s casual lies and secrets and trying to bring me down.

      I’ve tried to be calmer and quieter and more normal just to not be so lonely. And I’m slightly less lonely for it and much less targeted… no one tries to trip me up at the moment… but I also hate the person I am when toning it down. It’s less lonely but it’s not me.

      And when I dare and rage and embrace every wacky thing and adventure and travel, and give all of myself to others… I love myself (because that’s my true self) and love life… but people really try to destroy me. They want nothing to do with me, other than to use me up or compete… except for people who are wh’am bam thank you ma’am types, free spirits who won’t be tied down. I’m not making this up. I end up so, so, so, alone. And then the cycle repeats, I get lonely and try to tone it down.

      When I’m myself, I end up so alone. When I act more like other people, I hate myself because it’s not me. I LOVE who I am when I’m myself… but no one else seems to, at least not long-term.

      The problem is, I don’t get along well with other free spirits because I like the stability of a monogamous, HONEST, serious relationship and one or two close, trusted lifelong friends. Free spirits tend to like, well, being free and not being tied down to one person. They tend to be a little dishonest and have a little bit of a facade, because they don’t want to feel like they belong to anyone or be anyone’s fool. I can respect all of that, and it’s smart, but I just can’t be that detached or separate so easily and move on to new people.

      The people who like attachments and being with one person, and having deep, trusted friendships like I do tend to be incredibly grounded and stable and not free spirits at all.

      So I either end up surrounded by people I can’t trust at all but having fun almost all the time…. or I end up with close, loving, trusting relationships with people who don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to separate things and have fun with people I don’t like, and be bored with people I do like, so that leaves me… where?! Where???

      The solution is to be myself…. but I’m going to be very lonely for it, as life has taught me over and over and over and over again, for well over a decade.

      To A, I don’t think I’m the person you’re looking for, sorry. I don’t know any A’s who would be in love with me. Good luck to you




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    4. A @Author
      September 18, 2015 at 12:04 pm

      There was supposed to be the word ‘a’ before the world ‘slow’ in my last post.

      Also, I really do think you’re the person I’m looking for, and I won’t believe you even if you tell me otherwise. I’m a ‘free’ spirit but I want a ‘monogamous, HONEST, serious’ relationship with my M. I’m already fully committed and loyal to her and we’re not even in a relationship. Actually, she blocked me out of her life and I’m pretty sure she has a boyfriend yet I still don’t want to even TALK to any other female but her. Isn’t that crazy…? Because I think it is…

      But here’s what’s even crazier…

      I wasn’t ever going to type this on this site because it’d likely freak her out (if she were on this site), but…

      I honestly want her to be the mother of my kids in the future..

      Obviously I want her to be my girlfriend first, then my fiance, and then my wife but I really want her to be my everything.

      It’d be a dream come true…literally…

      I’m only twenty and of course I don’t have a ring yet but I’m in school and once I start making some serious money, buying a ring wouldn’t be an issue.

      Of course I’m thinking about the future but I’m living in the present. Though, I definitely understand a lot of things need to happen before her and I can even start dating.

      I really need her to be my everything…

      We most definitely would not be bored if her and I were together. I’m full of fun, life, and adventure,

      I wish you the best, Author.

      <3

      A




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    5. Peter C
      September 18, 2015 at 10:56 pm

      Thanks so much for writing back. I missed, I did not understand well enough the other side of your story, how life and people have beaten you down. How you feel targeted and used, and how that makes you so lonely, so much of the time. And then your other challenge – those who you can love and trust are not those that you naturally seek out. Those who can develop deep trusted relationships with you are not the free spirits. And then you say – but I also can’t be that detached, I can’t separate that easily, I don’t get along with other free spirits.

      That’s hard for sure. What you are attracted by is the wild freedom, the mad and crazy ones who spin & spin, but they dance their own dance and while there is a lot of burning intensity late into the night, when it is done there is not much left for others.

      There is a third path, I guess I wasn’t very good at communicating it when I said “go deep – deep; depth is not speed.” There is an intense embracing of life which looks calmer on the outside but is actually the most fantastical, outrageous exploration of the self imaginable. You like quotes which is why I gave you several, but there’s one more by Thoreau which maybe captures this better than I can:

      “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.”

      The more you can find exhilaration in discovering yourself, and others, the less frenetic it has to be ‘out there’ before you can be satisfied. Sometimes those who move the most violently are the most afraid what will arise if they stop moving, and so they dance & dance.

      That it; it just seems to me the answer you want may lie much closer to your heart and much deeper inside than where you are searching now.




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    6. OP
      September 19, 2015 at 12:07 pm

      @Peter C- Thank you for humoring my self-indulgent posts and taking the time to respond 🙂 I guess the answer HAS to lie closer to my heart, because I severely doubt that I will ever get the company that I want. The trustworthy, calm, always-with-their-love homebody types end up hating me because they want more quiet time and can’t keep up with the insane pace of my life and resent being dragged around everywhere- they wanted to spend a lot of time together, but only at home on the couch watching movies. And I start resenting them for dragging the pace of my life down and get depressed. And the free spirit types had no problem with the pace of my life but were doing their own thing and ran away screaming when I tried to, as they saw it I think, “trap” them or spend too much time with them. And most other people think I’m crazy, I think, haha.

      I just wish there was some man out there who is spontaneous, witty, lives by an “I’ll sleep when I’m dead!” mentality, likes to party but also has a cultured side, has goals but also is willing to say “screw it!” and give up everything they’ve worked for to travel the world on a whim, is well-read and likes to do outdoorsy things…. and who will also want to be faithful for life and spend as much time together as a homebody would. Yeah, right…. lol. What I want just doesn’t exist… the type of men I’m attracted to are notorious players, and the type of men who are willing to settle down and love me are barely living. (Same things goes for friends- those types of women tend to be competitive and value men’s sexual approval over their female friendships).

      And I’m not much of a catch these days either, to be honest. I guess I’ll work on that but I’m starting to wonder what’s the point if it’s just to be alone or in the wrong company. I’ll give you a quote: “Happiness only real when shared.”

      @A: I’m sorry, but I’m really not your person! My first initial isn’t an “M”.




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    7. OP
      September 19, 2015 at 3:25 pm

      Peter, I hear what you are saying, but I know that I am introspective enough already- if anything, too much so. I genuinely liked myself for a long time. Other people did not always, and often projected their insecurities or their tendencies to bully or challenge or compete onto me. I don’t care what anyone tells me to the contrary, because several people have even apologized for it in hindsight years later without me even mentioning it (not the people that should have apologized most, but oh well). Something about me just triggers horrible reactions in insecure people that they feel the need to tear me down or tell me that I need to be fixed. Sure, I have things I need to work on like anyone else and have my own insecurities, especially the ways in which I let myself slip over the years- but I am sick and tired of people telling me that I need to fix myself when they have their own completely fucked up relationship styles and family problems and other things that they should be addressing. I am just lonely. That’s it. I liked the company of other people. Most other people have different styles of loving and sharing the company of others. It doesn’t mean I need to dig deeper and so on. It just is. Please stop giving me advice; I know you mean well but it isn’t really what I’m looking for anymore, and you have commented on a lot of my letters with unsolicited advice. People have given me enough suggestions, advice, criticism, crap and other things over the years, and even when it is well-intentioned, it is often off-base and even hypocritical. When I get even well-intended advice these days I wonder who is giving it, and why, and frankly I completely disagree with your advice. If anything I need to stop looking inward all the time. Taking advice from people over the years did not help my life at all; if anything, often the opposite. Sorry to be blunt, but I was looking to use this site as a diary, or for other people’s experiences to be shared- not for advice. I wish you well and good luck in your own journey, and was trying to be polite by responding to you- but please stop giving advice on my letters. Thank you.




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    8. A @ OP
      September 21, 2015 at 3:41 am

      I’m going to surprise the girl I love and I really fo think that could be you, OP. My mentality is, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” and I want to LIVE. Fuck sleep.

      “….the type of men I’m attracted to are notorious players, and the type of men who are willing to settle down and love me are barely living.”

      I am LIVING. The girl I clove can bring me out of my shell. She is all I need and I am everything she is looking for, OP.

      I am spontaneous, witty, and I WOULD like to party. I really need the girl I love to bring me out ogf my shell if I surprise her. We’re perfect for each other and we can change each other.

      You’re seriously breaking my heart, OP, regardless of whether or not you’re my person. I hate reading this type of viewpoint.

      I’m going to surprise the girl I love. She needs to see how full of life I am..

      Bye

      <3

      A




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