I’m a little at a loss for words right now….I know, gotta be the first time right? I’m really embarrassed. There’s this never-ending cycle in my life that seems to apply to everything. It always starts with hope, then comes disappointment, then doubt, then anger…that doesn’t last long, and then regret. It always goes back to hope eventually, but that’s probably where I’m at right now.
With you, nothing accelerates the whole process like doubt. And honestly, I’m struggling with that right now. Again. There’s really only one thing that tells me that were real, my heart. Everything and one else tells me the opposite. I’m very fragile with this situation; it doesn’t take much to sway me in either direction.
None of this is an excuse, I just am hoping to help you understand why I act the way I do. Because, believe it or not, I am rather introspective, and I spend a lot of time thinking about why I do the things I do and say the things I say.
The one thing I do want to say is this: actions speak louder than words. Now every time I’ve ever heard that expression, it was to say that bad acts override good words, to simplify things a bit. But I’m saying that for the opposite. That if bad acts override good words, then shouldn’t good acts override bad words? Maybe I just had too much coffee today lol.
Anyways, the reason I’m saying that is because, even when I am angry, and I’m not defending that at all, but even when I want to hate you, behind the scenes, I’m still working my ass off to make a future for us. I still make hard decisions, with even less favorable consequences, because when I’m lost, when I don’t know what to do, when I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, I look at my compass. The needle is always pointing to you. And that tells me what I have to do. Whatever brings us together and keeps us together. There’s nothing I won’t do, and I don’t think you fully understand that now, but with time I think you will. I want you to be so proud of me baby. The way I’m (unfortunately secretly) so fucking proud of you.
The next time you’re having a shitty day, or you’re just not feeling good, I hope you remember, that even with the rest of your life aside, just by being you, you forever changed my life in the most positive way possible. I want to be my very very best for you because that is exactly what you deserve. I’ve always known, even before I knew I was fully in love with you, that you were EXACTLY what I needed, but its taken me some time to really understand why.
I just love you so much, and I want you to know, I really don’t care about what the rest of my life looks like as long as I’m by your side, forever.