I like you. I like you a lot. Sometimes I like you so much it hurts. Like physically gets me in the gut because I know for so many reasons that you’re never ever going to be mine. For starters I’m getting married in a few weeks. I’m getting married soon to a man that I’ve loved for a long time. But I’m also slowly falling for you. Actually, it’s not even slowly. I fell stupidly hard virtually the first time I met you. I walked in unsure of myself knowing someone different was working and then I saw you and I was instantly fucked.
I wouldn’t say we flirted for ages. It was all banter. Two days a week I would come in and for a short amount of time you would light up and make my whole shitty day worth it. You’d stay we with me after and hang out outside and we would chat shit for hours. Time would fly past. You instantly made me comfortable and I can talk to you about anything. Except for this.
When we got together the first time, we were both drunk. You were wasted and I had drunk a few and I’m not entirely sure you remember any of it. It was a one time drunken thing to get it out of our systems after weeks of banter, talking all day every day and sometimes full on flirting. We met up the following day and got our shit together. There was no awkwardness after that talk, we could just get on with shit and be friends. But then it happened again, and again, and this afternoon again. We still talk all day every day. You tell me that what we do is just sex. And yeah, you’re right, it is, I make myself believe that when I’m with you but afterwards when I’m hidden away at home under my blanket cuddled up I know so differently.
To me you’re insanely pretty. Like beautiful. You have these cute eyes and this amazing smile. Sometimes it lights up the room out of pure joy and then other times it’s this utterly filthy smirk that just makes me want to kiss it off your face. You’re so soft and yet tough and you have all the time in the world for people you care about and it’s amazing. Beautiful. Really fucking beautiful. But I can’t keep thinking about that because it will drive me insane.
Secondly, you don’t even want me really. I’m not sure if you even see me as anything other than a friend that you occasionally have sex with. Probably because I’m getting married and everyone thinks I’m straight as fuck. You want someone else. And while I am totally cool with talking to you about her, sometimes when we’re hanging out or making out and you just start talking about her it’s like a knife going straight into my gut. Because when you’re with me I want you to be with me……not hanging out with me while I have the feels and you’re thinking about her. I want to be that stupid other woman that keeps fucking you around and fucking with your feelings. But I wouldn’t do either. You would be mine. And that’s the fucking end of it.
There’s only one other person than you who knows truly that I’m not completely straight. And he will guard that forever until the day he dies. You obviously know because you keep fucking my brains out. He knows because we don’t have secrets. While I know my family would be fine with it, I don’t think anyone else would be and so its going to go with me to the grave. I sort of sit on the fence. I wouldn’t say I was bisexual really. I love men, but then there are women like you that truly turn my head and make me think……my god I want a full on relationship with this woman. It rarely happens but you are one of them. And I swear to whatever is out there that you will always have a piece of me. I’m never going to get that piece of me back. And I don’t want it back. I want you to keep that piece of me even if you don’t know you have it because then some part of me will always be with you.
So I guess that’s the third reason you’re never going to be mine. You are so completely comfortable being this amazing gay woman, and I can’t even admit to my two best friends that I sit on the fence. It would never fucking work.
It’s all so bloody messed up. I’m getting married, can’t admit I am falling in love with a woman, can’t call my wedding off because I love him too, you’re in love with someone else…..It’s all too much. I wish that I could have the best of both worlds but that’s just stupid. I want a life but with both of you. He is my comfort zone and you are everything but. He is my safety net and you are the bungee jump. He is my calm and quiet and you are my wild and loud. Why can’t life just be fucking simple.
So here’s what I know that I will never be able to say to you out loud.
I love you.
I love being with you.
I love the way you hug me when I cry.
I love it when you kiss me in the car unexpectedly.
I love being cuddled up in bed with you laughing about shit on facebook.
I love that you talk to me every single day.
I hate that I resent the woman you’re pursuing.
I hate that I’m in love with you when I’m about to marry someone else.
I hate that I can’t just come out and say “Sometimes, I like women too”
I hate that I can’t have you.
I hate that I want you anyway.
I hate that I have to hide all this away so my world doesn’t crumble into pieces.
I will forever be yours. Even when I’m not any more. I just wish that before it all comes to an end in a few short weeks, that you would be a little bit mine too.