Every race, every game, every match, and every grade was all for you. I don’t know how to explain it.
Before every race, I’d think about you, and I’d say to myself that I was doing it for you… I was going to win for you, I was going to break another school record for you. During every football practice, going in for a hit, I’d do it as if you were on the sidelines watching, I wanted my name to be brought up in conversation the next day, just so you’d hear how good I was doing. I wanted to wrestle extra hard at practice, just in case you would walk by the window in the hallway, so you could peer in, and see that I was a good athlete, that I was capable of having a life. I needed you to see me in my lettermans jacket, with the captain armband every soccer gameday, so you’d know that I was ‘somebody.’ Staying up at unholy hours, studying for classes upon extra classes, just so that when the honor roll was called and class ranking released, you would know that I was in the top ten, that I wasn’t one of your ‘stupid’ exes.
I don’t know why I did it all for you… It was like each second I ran, every bruise I could intentionally get at practice, every penalty and yellow card were out of anger. “Remember who you’re doing this for. Remember who you’re winning this for.” Sometimes it felt like I was trying to run away from the thought of you, trying to score away the memories. Sometimes I felt like I was surviving in those athletic feats off of pure nostalgia and anger.
Why? Why did I do it all for you?
Was varsity for you? Was being a captain for you? Going to state? Going to nationals? Attaining a high GPA?
It was never going to bring you back to me.
But I guess I thought it would.
I guess I hoped that whenever you heard my name amongst your social circles, teammates talking about how good I was at what I did, that you’d remember why you loved me in the first place. That when you heard people talk about me in an infatuated way, you’d see that I could have an array of people, good people, but I only wanted you… I only ever saw you.
And even though there is no chance, I’ll still go to practice, and I’ll still prepare myself for every game thinking… I’m doing this for you.
And maybe one day, you’ll come back to me.