• Dear Mum

    by  • September 16, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Embarrassment • 2 Comments

    Dear Mum,

    For the second time this year you have expressed your embarrassment towards me. I’ve cried thinking, my life’s over, my mum who should stand by me thick and thin is embarrassed of me, I’ve been branded! *embarrassment*. That’s now forever my name, sure you didn’t grab a hot poker and embroider me with such a name, but the simple words suffice.

    I just don’t understand why I’m such an embarrassment? All throughout my life I have been accomplished. 16 with 11 amazing GCSE results, 16 getting my first job before I even went to 6th form college! Turning 17 and passing my driving test in less than 3 months through sheer determination and driving my own car that same day! Within the week jumping on the motorway and doing a 3 hour drive alone! Passing my A Levels with 4, not 3 like most! No I did 4 A Levels! And with amazing results landing me places at all of my universities. Then moving to a whole new part of the country at 18 to study Law at my first chosen university. All withholding the same job I got when I was 16.

    But Law wasn’t for me, and you knew this. Before I even applied for uni, or college, I told you I wanted to be a hairdresser, and be in beauty. These are the things that truly interest me, I may be highly intelligent and politically and legally minded, but I love beauty. But you constantly pushed for me to do more and be more and get a degree!

    So I continued on with my law degree. Second year came and I got fat, let’s be honest, a good solid UK size 12 at a petite 5 ft 1. So I joined the gym, and within 4 months lost 2 stone and dropped to a U.K. size 8. All whilst doing my law degree and maintaining that same job. I met a personal trainer, he was lovely, loving and exactly what I needed right then. And then, I fell pregnant. 21 and pregnant, final year of my law degree, this was never my plan. I did not plan to fall pregnant – I did not plan for this wonderful man to turn into a nasty controlling individual. So I did what I felt was right and terminated the baby. This still kills me, and it’s definitely not a mistake I would make twice, but this mistake came at the wrong time. Final exams for my third and final year of uni, dissertations, and then, I got an infection in my womb! So let me run this down, third year of uni with a part time job controlling boyfriend, baby on the way and then the termination of that baby because of boyfriend, then womb infection which landed me delirious in hospital. Yes I buried my head in the sand after this, I didn’t finish uni, and yes that’s upsetting, but the world does not end because of this. I ditched that man, I got a job as a manager at a high street store, I lived independently and looked after myself, I worked hard and bounced back the best I could. A few months later I found myself talking with my first real boyfriend again. And he offered me the chance to go and live on the other side of the world with him. What a fantastic opportunity, most parents would be so pleased, but not you. You were still ashamed. I packed my bags and set off on this new adventure with a return ticket to finish my degree a few months later. This was one of the best decisions of my life. My first real love at 17 years old, a man that had loved me all his life, I was Happy! We were living this loving life in our shitty two bed apartment with a car that constantly broke down! We were more than ok for money as I had a decent payed job and so did he! We had plans to travel and do this and that, we were even saving so I could do a course so I could finally get back into doing what I had loved from a very very young age, beauty, makeup, maybe I could even be a makeup Artist one day! I’m pretty good! I’m also intelligent and determined.

    So my final day came and I moved back to the U.K. to finish my degree, I have been awarded a level 5 diploma of higher education. I will be going on to finish my degree with a different university and even if not, I have the equivalent of a foundation degree! Yet you’re embarrassed of me!!!!!!!!

    I went to school with girls and guys who I have seen do nothing with their lives! Look at what I’ve done! I’m in my self 20’s and from the age of 16 I’ve been making my own money! I’m in my early 20’s and I have all these qualifications and real life experience! I don’t live at home with mummy and daddy and I don’t have a child, I don’t live on the benefit and I don’t live in the same shitty place! I may be accomplished in different ways than you hoped, but I’m accomplished.

    I have friends who love me and a boyfriend who I’m pretty sure is gonna be popping the question soon! We’re saving for a mortgage and have been living an amazing life in Australasia!

    Yet today you came to my house and told me you were embarrassed of me. I’ve cried, and worried and really questioned myself about those words.

    I’d love to say that you’re the wrong one and everything I’ve listed is something to be proud of, I am proud in a way, but you are my mother, and the fact that you can’t be proud of me, doesn’t make me feel like I have much to be proud of. This letter is going to go unread, and that’s the way I want it to be, but if you could read this one day, I hope you’d take from it that your words, mean the world to me, and my world comes crashing down around me when you belittle me. It doesn’t bounce off me, I can’t brush it off, you’ve branded me, and I feel like it’s there for life.

    Yours,

    The embarrassing youngest.

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    2 Responses to Dear Mum

    1. Peter C
      September 16, 2015 at 10:16 pm

      How wonderful if every mother loved their child first just for being, because just being should be enough to earn uncritical love and acceptance; and then loved them for the unique, wonderful, amazing person they are because every person is in so many ways; and only after all that for what they may have accomplished. How hard instead if you have to run run run just to stay ‘good enough’, if you can never stop just to rest. And then for you, how much harder it must be having done all the things you’ve done, such astonishing experiences so early in life, and to still be branded as an embarrassment.

      As you say, what to do? It’s so hard when the people who knew us when we were small and helpless, whose voices were our first introduction to this world, who were like gods when we were small – if those voices judge us to be less than worthy.

      I know it’s hard, but pride comes first from inside. Self-respect comes first from inside. Look at the stories of people who seem to have it all, the Richard Cory’s of our world, who hate themselves so much they destroy their lives and themselves. If we put our value in the hands of others, our hands stay empty. If self-respect and self-love need to be affirmed outside us, we can never affirm ourselves. We twist this and that, hoping to gather enough kind words to lift us up for another day. We can never be safe if our judgment of ourselves is left to others.

      Parents can be dead certain, and dead wrong. They are not right, not always, and especially not when it comes to things where only your own judgment matters. How great if you could say “I’m sorry you are so unhappy and miserable, Mom. I’m sorry that you are so filled with anger that it is easier for you to hurt than to soothe. I wish I could make it better but I can’t. And I would be being dishonest if I allowed your judgment of me to matter. I am now an adult and I live with the consequences of my choices, all of them. I choose my life and I take responsibility for what that means, and the most important person to decide if I have earned respect for myself is me, Mom, not you. I wish you knew me, I wish you could see how I can soar now, how far I’ve come, how much of a person I’ve become. I wish you could see past your own pains and prejudices, your own scars and the damage you carry inside. And maybe someday you will. But until that day, I must account for myself only to myself, only to me, I earn my respect for myself every day, and in that, your voice is a hollow buzzing without meaning.”




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    2. Re:
      September 17, 2015 at 10:51 am

      Maybe Richard Cory didn’t hate himself at all. Maybe it’s just lonely where he was.




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