You know, I thought we were friends. When we were studying in the UK, we talked all the time and hung out all the time. I opened up to you and told you things that I don’t share with many people. And you listened. And you cared. You flirted with me when it felt like no one else even saw me or gave me a second glance.You saw more than just a pretty face, you saw me. Everyone told us to just hook up already. We’d roll our eyes but secretly that made me happy – that affirmed to me that it wasn’t just in my head. But that’s not why I fell for you. You have it all – work ethic, looks, charming personality, smile, smart, talented, funny. But I fell for every imperfection of yours too. I saw everything you laid out and still wanted you. Now, I know what you think of me. That I am closed off and hate all men and just don’t give anyone a chance. And that may be true. I am closed off. I don’t like feeling vulnerable because that’s how you get hurt. I know it’s messed up, but the last thing I needed was you pointing that out to me. I’ve got it, I know. And it kills me every day because the moment I chose to be vulnerable with you and open up to you, you eventually dropped me. And what hurt the most wasn’t that it was just rejection, it was rejection from you when you know how I felt about that. You knew that I liked you. But maybe you found out too late. The girl that we both hated threw herself at you and, shocker, you fell for it. And it crushed me. You had your pick and you chose her. I’d bow out if she was gorgeous and nice and perfect, but that’s certainly not the case. But I bowed out because you claimed you were happy and that’s all I ever really wanted for you, M.
We left Glasgow to go home for the summer. I thought, “Great. I’ll get over him and it’ll be fine” but it wasn’t. You kept talking to me and every time you did, I fell a little harder for you. When you kept talking to me over the summer, I thought that I might actually still stand a chance with you in the fall. But no. You were still very much with her when we got back to school. So I decided that throwing away our friendship just because I didn’t get to date you wasn’t worth it. I was in too deep, you knew my secrets and everything about me. I opened up to you and I didn’t want that to go to waste so I thought I might be able to do this “friends” thing with you. Because having you as a friend was better than not having you at all. Boy was I wrong.
Turns out that ever since we’ve been back you’re too busy going over to her place and sleeping at her apartment to ever make time to just talk, hang out or really even associate yourself with me. What’s changed? Was it something I did or said? Because now all of a sudden every time I try to make plans with you, you’re busy. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of putting all the effort into maintaining our quasi-close friendship. That’s bullshit. You don’t care. You forgot about me. You got swept away. In the meantime, I’m done. I’m done sitting here being sad and hurt because my greatest fear of all, getting hurt, has finally come true. But it’s because of you. Not because you chose to date someone else over me, but because you threw away our friendship. I can’t wait anymore, M. I won’t. It felt so nice to finally have a crush and really want to date someone, but now it hurts too much to stay and wait. I feel like I’m going to crack at any second. But I know that the second you text me, I’m going to want to go back. But I can’t do that, I have to be strong for myself. Now I’m going to bow out not just because your happy, but because I deserve happiness too. Just this time you won’t even realize I’m gone.