More than anything, I’ve always wanted to find love and to give love. I wanted to find my soulmate and have an idyllic love story. When that failed miserably, I thought I could settle for having flings with beautiful men and cultivating a few close female friendships. When that failed miserably (the friendships failed much more than the flings; the flings weren’t always so bad!), I eventually tried to find a lifelong love again. That failed miserably. I’m not beautiful anymore. I’m not charmingly naive anymore- rather, I am willfully stupid in a quest that I know is impossible. I feel so lonely. I’ve always felt lonely. And despite what people say about needy people like me, it’s NOT that I don’t love myself. I just really enjoy being around people, or at least, I used to. I really enjoyed being out and about at all hours and attending every show, party, event, or anything else that I could. And I still found time to read and study and engage in more quiet activities, it’s not as though there wasn’t some balance.
I remember calling someone up once to see if he was free to go out to some event. He wasn’t a lover (although we had been intimate in the past)… just a friend. He went on a diatribe because I kept bothering him to hang out- and he said that he actually had things to do in life and was busy, or something to that effect.
I never forgot it, not because we were close (we weren’t close) but because I was going to school full-time (with an almost 4.0 at the time), working full-time, and still found time to go out and do things every night. I think he was working part-time and that was it. He mostly smoked pot and did nothing, to my knowledge. But he insinuated that I was the one who needed to get a hobby, and a life, and that I was annoying. I never forgot it because I’ve had that reaction from many people, male and female, who thought that I had no life even though I was often working hard to fit so much more into a given day.
I’ve had two different people at two different jobs tell me that they weren’t looking for friends at work. In other words: “Leave me alone bitch, I don’t want to be your friend!”
Someone actually compared me to the Cable Guy once. That’s hilarious (yeah, laugh it up) and I understand what they were saying and see the humor in it… but I also thought… Matthew Broderick’s character was so goddamn horrible, unlikable, and boring. He was lucky that anyone wanted to be his friend at all, even a deranged lunatic.
I find it annoying that people are so distant, and so satisfied with giving the least amount of effort possible. I find it annoying that people get sick of their lovers and friends, and need a new cast of people around them so as not to get bored. I find it annoying that people thought I was annoying, because I wanted a life with never-a-dull-moment, I wanted to cram as many events and beautiful sights and nature and kisses and anything else I could into every day. I wanted beautiful surroundings, beautiful moments, beautiful things. And I wanted honesty, and friendship, and trust. I wanted too much, I guess. And I guess this all makes me needy and childish. But what I can’t understand is why people wouldn’t want to give and receive friendship and love rather than the superficial, two-faced, catty, Machiavellian bullshit I see going on every day. Or the mundane, boring bullshit. I really don’t feel like I’m the more damaged person compared to all of the bs that’s gone on around me. I would rather be “needy” than a liar or a fake or a bore or a user or etc etc etc.
My life, I think, is going to be like Taylor Swift’s or Marilyn Monroe’s…. minus the glamour and success and all of the good parts. I’m referring to the desperate search for intimacy, for affection, for love, and trust, for never-a-dull-moment. Everyone wants a calm and collected, calculating and clever and socially acceptable Jackie Kennedy in the end. Marilyn is only good for a romp, after that she gets to be annoying and too much work, I suppose. I imagine that Taylor Swift has the same problem with men- she’s just too needy for romance and wants too much. (Although she has been clever enough to adapt and change her approach over the years, she is starting to better hide her need for constant love and closeness).
Here is what I resent most of all… people see a Taylor or a Marilyn as being SELFISH. But they worked HARD. They gave all of themselves to others- that’s why they expected so much in return. They cultivated happiness, and cheerfulness, and inclusion, and friendliness, and kindness. They wanted the good life with the close-to-perfect friendships and relationships because they were willing to fight for those things. At least, those are my assumptions, although I’m probably projecting.
I don’t think I have it in me to change much more; it’s killed me inside trying to tone it down and I’ve lost the many good qualities I did have in the process. I have more stable relationships now, but I also find life much more mundane and insufferable. I’m starting to feel dead inside. I sit on the couch and waste away. Maybe I should go back to drinking. At least that killed the pain and made people’s opinions of me irrelevant for a while.