• Meh

    by  • September 13, 2015 • Thoughts • 3 Comments

    More than anything, I’ve always wanted to find love and to give love. I wanted to find my soulmate and have an idyllic love story. When that failed miserably, I thought I could settle for having flings with beautiful men and cultivating a few close female friendships. When that failed miserably (the friendships failed much more than the flings; the flings weren’t always so bad!), I eventually tried to find a lifelong love again. That failed miserably. I’m not beautiful anymore. I’m not charmingly naive anymore- rather, I am willfully stupid in a quest that I know is impossible. I feel so lonely. I’ve always felt lonely. And despite what people say about needy people like me, it’s NOT that I don’t love myself. I just really enjoy being around people, or at least, I used to. I really enjoyed being out and about at all hours and attending every show, party, event, or anything else that I could. And I still found time to read and study and engage in more quiet activities, it’s not as though there wasn’t some balance.

    I remember calling someone up once to see if he was free to go out to some event. He wasn’t a lover (although we had been intimate in the past)… just a friend. He went on a diatribe because I kept bothering him to hang out- and he said that he actually had things to do in life and was busy, or something to that effect.

    I never forgot it, not because we were close (we weren’t close) but because I was going to school full-time (with an almost 4.0 at the time), working full-time, and still found time to go out and do things every night. I think he was working part-time and that was it. He mostly smoked pot and did nothing, to my knowledge. But he insinuated that I was the one who needed to get a hobby, and a life, and that I was annoying. I never forgot it because I’ve had that reaction from many people, male and female, who thought that I had no life even though I was often working hard to fit so much more into a given day.

    I’ve had two different people at two different jobs tell me that they weren’t looking for friends at work. In other words: “Leave me alone bitch, I don’t want to be your friend!”

    Someone actually compared me to the Cable Guy once. That’s hilarious (yeah, laugh it up) and I understand what they were saying and see the humor in it… but I also thought… Matthew Broderick’s character was so goddamn horrible, unlikable, and boring. He was lucky that anyone wanted to be his friend at all, even a deranged lunatic.

    I find it annoying that people are so distant, and so satisfied with giving the least amount of effort possible. I find it annoying that people get sick of their lovers and friends, and need a new cast of people around them so as not to get bored. I find it annoying that people thought I was annoying, because I wanted a life with never-a-dull-moment, I wanted to cram as many events and beautiful sights and nature and kisses and anything else I could into every day. I wanted beautiful surroundings, beautiful moments, beautiful things. And I wanted honesty, and friendship, and trust. I wanted too much, I guess. And I guess this all makes me needy and childish. But what I can’t understand is why people wouldn’t want to give and receive friendship and love rather than the superficial, two-faced, catty, Machiavellian bullshit I see going on every day. Or the mundane, boring bullshit. I really don’t feel like I’m the more damaged person compared to all of the bs that’s gone on around me. I would rather be “needy” than a liar or a fake or a bore or a user or etc etc etc.

    My life, I think, is going to be like Taylor Swift’s or Marilyn Monroe’s…. minus the glamour and success and all of the good parts. I’m referring to the desperate search for intimacy, for affection, for love, and trust, for never-a-dull-moment. Everyone wants a calm and collected, calculating and clever and socially acceptable Jackie Kennedy in the end. Marilyn is only good for a romp, after that she gets to be annoying and too much work, I suppose. I imagine that Taylor Swift has the same problem with men- she’s just too needy for romance and wants too much. (Although she has been clever enough to adapt and change her approach over the years, she is starting to better hide her need for constant love and closeness).

    Here is what I resent most of all… people see a Taylor or a Marilyn as being SELFISH. But they worked HARD. They gave all of themselves to others- that’s why they expected so much in return. They cultivated happiness, and cheerfulness, and inclusion, and friendliness, and kindness. They wanted the good life with the close-to-perfect friendships and relationships because they were willing to fight for those things. At least, those are my assumptions, although I’m probably projecting.

    I don’t think I have it in me to change much more; it’s killed me inside trying to tone it down and I’ve lost the many good qualities I did have in the process. I have more stable relationships now, but I also find life much more mundane and insufferable. I’m starting to feel dead inside. I sit on the couch and waste away. Maybe I should go back to drinking. At least that killed the pain and made people’s opinions of me irrelevant for a while.

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    3 Responses to Meh

    1. Peter C
      September 14, 2015 at 5:27 pm

      Every strength, it seems, is also a weakness. You have such a grasp of the arc of your life, you tell your story with such poise and insight. You speak with intelligence and warmth about what is on the surface, and what is beneath that, and what is even deeper beneath that. You suffer with quiet grace.

      And yet, and yet…

      Maybe all external need is a reflection of inner loss. You want beautiful moments, beautiful things, honesty, friendship, trust. You see your story of searching and not finding reflected all around you, in those who are and those who were but are no longer. You say you are starting to feel dead inside, but it seems to me you are deeply, passionately, terribly alive inside and your lack of any real connection is killing you.

      Loneliness, need, emptiness, enduring sadness. Are these four things to you, or just one? You search for the authentic honest connection that can complete you, but what is incomplete never becomes complete outside itself. Even if we could merge with another like water in water, all feelings, loves, passions, anguish, all of it inextricably mixed – even then, our vessel would still be not full.

      It’s not really about loving yourself, though some say it is. Love the unfull vessel and it stays unfilled still.

      It sounds as though you have lived a life trying to divert yourself, to fill yourself and your life so full of things, people, experiences, loves, crammed into every corner and aspect of your life so that there was not a moment where you had to see what was standing silently behind you, all this while. What still is. There must be a lot of dark pain to have to dance so long and so hard, so lonely and so late into the night.

      When something is not working, has not worked, sometimes it is time to try something else. When you have walked so many years into the wind in one direction and have not found, sometimes it is time to turn and face into a different path. We want the answer, all of us, me too – but the true value of the answer sometimes depends more on the depth of the question, on how well we have lived with the question. Your letter is a question, an invitation to turn and look elsewhere, inside. It can be better to live with the question, to search inside without yet expecting the answer . Maybe it sounds abstract but it does not have to be. It is possible to sit quietly and turn the beam of your searching from outside to inside. Without expectation. You might do this with yourself, or with a trusted guide like a caring counselor or therapist. Not because you need fixing, but because you need completion and can only complete yourself.

      Thanks for sharing so much of yourself, I wish you courage.




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    2. OP
      September 15, 2015 at 9:17 am

      I agree with some of what you’ve said and also disagree with some of what you’ve said.

      There were so many wonderful moments, too, and I wanted the party to never stop. But everyone would eventually get bored or exhausted or want something different, and eventually wander on home to sleep. I wanted the endless nights and the parties and the romance and road trips to never end. The responsibilities too, but only as means to return to the more enjoyable parts.

      Yes, I was dependent on external factors and the company of others, and it was wrong to expect so much. The “loneliness, need, emptiness, enduring sadness” seem like the wrong descriptors of my life, however. They are a part of it, but mostly when harshly rebuffed, put down, or lied to. However, I don’t think they always described my life at all- I remember many, many joyful and warm moments too. I think I achieved a lot of the beautiful moments and depth of conversation and experiences and beautiful things that I set out for. I feel like I’ve lived 10 lives in 1, and I don’t regret that; I will look back on my life exhausted and saying, “I had many failures, but many successes, and I tried and experienced every possible thing that I could.” I got to jump out of planes and go to every party I could, dated many types of people, owned a house and a sleek looking convertible by age 25, read as many books as I could, traveled, tried new foods and new things, and crammed as much as I could into every day. Some of it is shallow, and some is not, and I wanted everything.

      I feel beat up emotionally because women would compete with me (and although I was good-looking at times, I wasn’t good-looking to the point where they should have been competing- many of my “friends” were better looking than I was, and yet they still felt the need to compete for men that I was with), and men would enjoy me for a while and then get bored. I feel like where I was trying to create “the good life” and share it, other people were eyeing me and calculating how they could use me, or avoid me, because they resented my desire to have it all all the time, and also sensed that I needed people too much and would allow their manipulative behaviors.

      Anyway, it is what it is. Eventually I will return to being that person regardless of the snakes that it introduces to my life, because I’m getting sick and tired of this couch. I wonder why it’s easy to meet good, boring people…. and horrible, exciting people… but so hard to meet good, exciting people?




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    3. Last thoughts from OP
      September 15, 2015 at 11:06 am

      I guess what I’m trying to say is that, although it’s true that I am too needy…

      I also think it’s true that other people are too competitive, or jealous, or opportunistic. I never used to see things in the terms I do now (who is prettier or smarter or any of that)- I wanted to be my personal best, and help others be their personal best. I didn’t see anything as a competition. And frankly, although I was needy, I think that other more cunning and conniving people got much more out of me than I did out of them.

      When I met another woman who was kind, and funny, and beautiful, and adventurous, who traveled, and worked to have nice things…. I wanted to work harder because I respected her. I wanted to be her friend. I didn’t see her as my competition- I saw her as an inspiration. When other women sensed any of those things in me, they wanted to fucking destroy me. And they did. I allowed it to happen because I was a fool.

      And men? I wasn’t always the best partner to men, I take more accountability for those relationships that went wrong. Sometimes it was me, sometimes it was them. I did want all of their time and attention, and that was too much.

      Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read my letter and respond, Peter C. I don’t agree with all of your assessments but I appreciate that you took the time to thoughtfully comment.




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