• Sick and tired

    by  • September 12, 2015 • Anger • 2 Comments

    This should have been one of the proudest days of my life.

    I’ve worked so hard for this, and FINALLY some validation for all my hard work. If only the rest of my life could ever be even close to the same.

    For the first time in years, I tried to tell someone about you: my feelings for you, the general situation, the extent (or lack thereof) of our involvement. Just a random stranger. And no surprise, they looked at me like I was fucking crazy no matter how much gloss I put on it. I guess that’s why I don’t talk about you, with ANYONE.

    The experience was probably good for me. I needed someone to look at me like I was fucking deranged. I’ve avoided that for so long by simply pretending to all the outside world like I don’t even know who you are. Yeah that sucked in and of itself. But REALITY, yeah that’s the real fucking bitch.

    What is it, that you believe makes you worthy of MY fucking love? Seriously, NO ONE WOULD EVER GO THROUGH THE SHIT I HAVE FOR YOU, NO ONE BITCH GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD. I have no fucking doubt that anyone who would have tried would have fucking killed themself by now. I’ve been trying to tell myself that all of this, all the rejection, disappointment, frustration and pain, this was all a worthwhile part of ‘how i met your mother’. But in fucking REALITY, this is really more like ‘how you fucking ruined my life’.

    “Aw listen to his excuses, aren’t they so cute?” FUCK YOU BITCH your fucking middle name is Excuses. You know what I think the problem is? No one in your life is willing to fucking sack up and be real with you. It’s all ‘oh she’s been through so much’, when it should really be more like “BITCH ISN’T IT ABOUT TIME YOU GROW THE FUCK UP?”

    This is all so fucking ridiculous. I deserve SOOOOO fucking much more than you at any point ever fucking gave me. Seriously, what the fuck, if anything am I to you? Nothing? An old mistake? WHY HAVE I FUCKING SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR YOU FOR FUCKING 3 YEARS NOW? How has any of it made my life any better in any fucking way?

    Do you understand why I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing, the last few weeks? It’s not exactly as you might think, trying to finally make something happen. This is me, FINALLY fucking realizing that its well past fucking time for me to move on with my life. WITH OR FUCKING WITHOUT YOU. Can you even imagine if I tried to progress into the next phase of my fucking life this way? How fucking long do you think that will last? I’ve already basically lost one job because of you, the fucking mess you made of me at least. That was the best job I’ve ever gotten, and a big fucking part of the reason I’ve been struggling to get any fucking work at all.

    From an objective standpoint, you have validated everything people have said to me about you. “She is pure evil”. “She’s the fucking devil”. “All she does is fucking lie”. And I guess I’m glad they at least got some validation, BECAUSE I SURE AS FUCK NEVER HAVE. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is your fucking problem? Really. The way I see it is you sitting in your room plotting: “Well, I’ve been somewhat decent to him lately, TIME TO DROP THE FUCKING HAMMER.” Or: “Wow, I was kinda mean to him, he probably didn’t deserve that, maybe I should make him feel like I’m in love with him for a little. You know, so I can DROP THE FUCKING HAMMER AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AFUCKINGAIN.”

    I could continue writing for the rest of my fucking life about how fucking angry I am at you. And it would always contain the same number of “fucks” because apparently, unless I say FUCK a whole lot, you don’t take me seriously. But I’m gonna stop now, because:

    I’M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR GAMES. I’M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR DOUBLE STANDARDS. I’M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR ERRATIC BEHAVIOR TOWARDS ME. I’M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF YOU NOT TREATING ME WITH THE RESPECT I FUCKING DESERVE. I’M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF FEELING WORTHLESS BECAUSE YOU ACT LIKE YOU DON’T WANT ME. I’M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLE WITH FUCKING ENVY BECAUSE OF HOW HAPPY THEY LOOK IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. I’M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF STRAINING TO CALL THIS FUCKING MESS A ‘RELATIONSHIP’. I’M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF YOU EXPENDING NEXT TO NO FUCKING EFFORT AT ALL TO MAKE THIS WORK. I’M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF TRYING TO PLEASE YOU WHEN YOU DO ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME. I’M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE ASSUMING I’M GAY BECAUSE THEY’VE NEVER SEEN ME IN A RELATIONSHIP OR SEEM INTERESTED IN OTHER GIRLS. (Oh the fucking irony). Honestly, I’m sick and fucking tired of YOU, because no matter how hard I try, I’m still here, all by my fucking self, with no fucking answers, no fucking sense of what I should do next, and a complete abject fucking horror that I might have just wasted the last fucking three years of my life waiting for a fucking LESBIAN. Oh yeah, and you don’t even bother trying to communicate with me. Yeah I’m fucking sick and tired of that too.

    You don’t deserve me bitch.

    FUCK YOU.

    FUCK YOU.

    FUCK YOU.

    FUCK YOU.

    FUCK YOU.

    FUCK YOU.

    FUCK YOU.

    FUCK YOU.

    (eight times, just for you)

    Related Post

    2 Responses to Sick and tired

    1. I strongly recommend
      September 13, 2015 at 8:07 am

      Anger management and counseling..

      Goosefraba my LINS acquaintance.

      It’s not worth it.




      0



      0
    2. This is Me..
      September 13, 2015 at 2:51 pm

      Except, Me is a She.

      I have no Anger though; just a mixture of Pain/Sadness/Shame/Confusion/Disbelief.

      It’s not worth it.

      Just let it go..

      SAlt




      0



      0

    Leave a Reply