• i still think about you.

    by  • September 12, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    we haven’t talked in a few months. which is a good thing. i made that choice. and honestly…my life is so much better without all of the added drama and hurt. i wonder sometimes if you feel the same way. my heart still hurts. i get kind of sad and i miss you. it’s hard. we were best friends. we were practically sisters. and now we’re nothing. but i know we had problems before everything else happened. and i know now that what we had wasn’t healthy and overtime it brought out the worst kind of person in me. even now i feel how vindictive and angry you make me…and it’s not okay. it’s not okay that i have these emotions towards you. i shouldn’t secretly hope you’re miserable. i’m an asshole. i’ve been an asshole. so that’s why when i just kind of blocked you on everything and disappeared, i hoped that maybe it would really be better for both of us in the long run.
    sometimes stuff happens and i wish i could text you and tell you about it. we haven’t been like that in over a year. i have a lot of regrets when it comes to our friendship. i go back and forth between wishing i had never talked to you on the first day of 7th grade to wishing i had never convinced you to talk to him to wishing i had never seen you when you were here for christmas…it’s like i keep playing a million different scenarios in my head, thinking about what could’ve been different.
    i started getting rid of your stuff that december. i threw away pictures. i cut up t-shirts. this past spring i set a bunch of things on fire. our necklace. pictures. some stuff you had brought back from mexico. finally, after i had finally deleted you from my life, i threw away the photobooth pictures that had been on my mirror for so many years.
    i keep telling myself that it was meant to be and i won’t feel it so much after awhile and pretty soon i’ll be able to see your face without my stomach twisting. i hope it’s sooner than later

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