It’s been a while since I’ve written on here. I’m not sure if doing this really helps me in the process of moving on or not, but it’s almost 4:00 AM and I can’t sleep because of my thoughts. Some of which are of you.
How are you? What have you been doing with your life over the last year and four months? Have you traveled much? Are you happy?
I’m doing alright. I’ve been working two jobs and fathering. Also I’ve been clean since May of 2014, which is something I’m proud of. I’m going to try and get into grad school. Working 10-14 hours a day at two jobs that I hate has pushed me in a good way. I didn’t get my bachelors degree for nothing and I can’t let the setback from 2014 stop me from pursuing my dream. I can’t go where you and I knew each other. Even though I doubt that I made any true enemies there, I just wouldn’t feel welcome. In a way I feel like I really lost a piece of myself there. I was really messed up wasn’t I?
So this early morning I’ve been unable to sleep because I’ve been thinking of the time I spent there, the people I worked with, the mistakes I made, the things that led up to my departure, and you. Always thinking in the gloom and doom. I’ve been trying to change that but old habits are difficult to get rid of, it getting rid of them is what a person really does.
I can’t ask “why” anymore. Nor can I ask “who”, or even “WTF”. It’s in the past and I need to get past it. All of it. So I guess coming on here and writing to you is one small attempt of mine to do that.
I’ve dated a little but with no success. I think I’m supposed to be alone for a while. There hasn’t really been much time for my hobbies either. Or better said, I haven’t really tried to take the time for them. Life is fucked up when you’re trying to unfuck it. If there’s anything you were able to learn from me (and if there was, I hope some of it was positive), it would probably be what one shouldn’t do.
I’m really trying to remember my mistakes so I won’t repeat them. But I know it would be best for me to not let them eat at me. I have to learn to live and let live. Or maybe better said, learn to let myself live and let live.
I really hope that all is well for you. You will be in my thoughts and I hope that doesn’t bother you. No woman has ever captured my heart so much. I still think you’re wonderful.