I’ve realized, or maybe I’ve always known, that we will ALWAYS fight a lot. It doesn’t have anything to do with personal growth or maturity; that’s just who we are individually: stubborn, strong-willed people. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Can you even imagine if we ever combined forces? If we worked together, and believed the same way, in fighting a common enemy? We would be ABSOLUTELY unstoppable. We just complement each other so well. Mine and your strengths and weaknesses.
I feel like you’re really starting to listen to me, maybe for the first time. I hope that’s true, and that it continues. You don’t always have to agree with me, and I highly doubt that will be the case. But we absolutely have to find a way to work out our problems TOGETHER. That is the only way.
With regards to our present situation, there are some things I want to say. The … ‘circumstances’, or ‘environment’, if you’d rather. Do you know what I don’t like about it? Pretty much fucking everything. And its always been that way. From the very first time we met. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE YOU. And I love spending time with you. But that’s the only reason I ever did it. When I told you I wanted you to get a new job, it was true, but for a lot more reasons than you believe. Some of them maybe selfish on my part.
First of all, I think you should know, that I am addicted. I am addicted to you. If you were a flight attendant, I’d have enough frequent flyer miles to go around the world, if you worked in a bakery, I’d be morbidly obese, if you worked at the dump, I’d stink 24/7. Because I would always continue flying or eating or smelling like shit if it meant I got to spend more time with you. I hope you believe that.
But beyond that, the natural disadvantage I have always had, and will always be at, not really being there 100% if you know what I mean, I want us to be able to talk in a situation where you are you, and I am I, and we are just two people who are interested in developing a relationship. Nothing more. Do you really understand how much you always control the situation, and how uncomfortable that makes me? Maybe not so much now as it was before. But I can’t be ME in that situation. Don’t forget you’ve used that power against me in the past, and humiliated me in the process. And God forbid I ever see someone flirting with you. At this point you know as well as I do whats going to happen. Im gonna fucking kill him.
This all brings up something else I want to talk about (not the very last part), but that’s going to be a different letter.
What do I want? If that even matters, and I hope it does. I want you text me this, exactly: “Hey do you want to get coffee some time?”. I’ve already asked you for that, personally, if that concerns you. Nine little words and a question mark. (You better believe punctuation is important to me missy! 😉 But you have no idea what those nine little words and the question mark will really mean to me. When you text me that, this is what I will actually read: “I’m sorry”, “I want you”, “Your feelings ARE important to me”, “Its not going to be like it was before”, “I love you”, and a lot of other things I’m sure you’re not overly enthusiastic about saying to me at this point.
I know you won’t. But I don’t just love you for the person I think you can be, but also the person you have already been and the person you are as of this very second. They are all inseparable in my eyes. But, fuck, it would mean so much to me. It would give me the final confirmation I need that you are as serious about this as I am. That your real priorities are in line with mine. That you’re willing to make this work, no matter the cost. That I can finally feel safe with you again. I think you’d be amazed by what would happen.
Love you babe.