• I know, this shit is hard

    by  • September 7, 2015 • Trust • 2 Comments

    You’ve hurt me. Badly and often. That’s just going to happen in a serious relationship; I understand that and I know we’re both far from perfect. I do give you some grace on some of it. But not all of it.

    Its hard for me to reach out to you, in any way, because in the past you’ve told me not to. Its hard for me to say your name out loud, because in the past you’ve told me not to. Its hard for me to even look at you, because yep, once again, in the past you’ve told me not to.

    I am scared of you, my love.

    I hate it. I absolutely fucking hate it. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. But, deep down, I know that my fear is at least somewhat legitimate.

    I don’t know why this doesn’t bother you more. Or maybe it does, and Im just unaware. But I think, if I knew that you were actually scared of me, and probably had reason to be, I would do EVERYTHING I could think of to show you that I wasn’t going to hurt you, and that you could feel safe with me. I definitely wouldn’t make you relive it all over and over again, by refusing to change anything.

    You need to understand and acknowledge where I’m coming from, even if you don’t agree with me being there in the first place. You cannot tell me how I should feel about various things. You have to re-earn my trust. I’m not going to just give that back to you, I don’t even know if I could if I wanted to, and either way, I don’t think you would either if the situations were reversed.

    I think sometimes the problem is that we look at things differently. My concerns include the future, while yours I believe are more centered on the present. I do not want to start a relationship with ‘bad habits’. By that I mean I don’t want to start something where our sole precedent is you dominating me, me consequently being terrified by you, and no trust really flowing in either direction. How do you think that bodes for the success of our relationship? That shit is only harder to solve once we get started. In reality, nothing would likely ever change. I am afraid of that. Because I do not want what we’ve had so far. I want much better than that. Not just from you, but from me as well, and most importantly, US.

    I wish I could say this to you directly. I wish I could say anything to you, without fearing how you might react. You have lashed out at me for simply saying “Hello”, so I hope you understand why I feel this way. Im not claiming some kind of abuse or anything like that, but you do need to understand this is as much your problem as it is mine.

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    2 Responses to I know, this shit is hard

    1. A woman
      September 8, 2015 at 12:06 pm

      I wish I knew to whom this was “addressed.” Sometimes I fear that in always pointing the finger at what I believe to be his wrongdoings, I fail to see my own. Is it possible that I’ve contributed to this negative cycle I find myself in? Quite possibly. The solution seems to lie in the one thing that neither of us seems willing to offer…open and direct communication. I’ve blamed him for that, but upon reflection I’ve not been too clear either. Good luck, author. Thanks for the food for thought.


    2. It shouldn't
      September 13, 2015 at 3:35 pm

      Be so difficult.

      Just say how you feel.

      What’s the worst that could happen?



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