• happy belated birthay

    by  • September 7, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Soulmate, Those Gone Before Us • 3 Comments

    dear c (hms),

    i just wanted to wish you a happy birthday…

    i’m sure that you’ve heard me saying it aloud, every sixth day of september, for the past five years now…

    before you departed this life, you left something behind… just a few words that make me feel as though you are still here with me, every time i read them. so whenever i’m feeling lonely or blue, or whenever i’m really missing you… i google my own name in full, just to see those words pop up… and even if it’s only a fragment i see, those words will forever mean the world to me…

    its been so long since i’ve been able to give you something… so, this is my gift to you…

    c, you weren’t ashamed of telling the world that you loved me… and i thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart. out of all the men who have come and gone in my life, not a single one of them could ever hold a candle to you. our relationship may have been short-lived, but our love was the strongest and longest lasting that i have ever known. they say that nobody is perfect… but you were perfect to me, and i was perfect to you… regardless of how much the fighting hurt.

    i have so many regrets… if you only would have known how much i loved you… i still do. i have tried moving on with my life… but still, no kids, no family to call my own… i wish that it could have been you. i feel like we were meant to be together. i was lucky enough to meet my soulmate, to fall in love with him… but then i lost him… and now there’s no getting you back. this is not something that i would wish on my own worst enemy.

    i am so sorry… i am so very deeply sorry for ever walking away from you… for not trusting you, and for not listening to my heart… if i could do anything over again, if i could change anything in my past, it would be this. i am so sorry i hurt you… but i never truly wanted to let you go…

    the day that i learned of your passing was the single worst and most painful day of my life… worse than anything i’ve ever suffered… worse than the day i woke up paralyzed… worse than anything i could have imagined really. i could not find it in myself to attend your funeral, because i didn’t want to believe that you were gone. but even so, i tended to focus more on the day of your passing for the first few years. i don’t know why…

    but i know now what is most important… the day you were born. this is what i should focus on, this is what deserves to be celebrated. i thank God every day for bringing you into this world… for giving me the opportunity to have experienced you… to have loved someone so deeply… time was on our side, long enough for us to create the most awesome & beautiful of memories together… you were the best thing that ever happened to me…

    i’ll never forget… driving around aimlessly with my passenger, getting lost with you, because we were too busy laughing at something random to remember where we were going. remember the day we went to the fishing pond, and sat side by side over the water? or the skating rink, where you fell down and i somehow forgot how to stop? or the drive-in that one night, when the windows were steamy enough for us to fool around? remember the Halloween party, where you were forced to eat anchovies, and then you chased me around trying to kiss me? the walks through the woods to see the bunkers that echoed like crazy? remember sitting under the stars together, listening to tom petty? that is when we both said “i love you”… even though i loved you long before that day. i remember everything, even the day i finally met you in person, as you waited for me outside the old arcade… i remember your smile, and the hoodie you wore… it was your favorite.

    c, i will love you always & forever. i may never live out our dreams with somebody else, but i am ok with that… so long as you and i meet again one day. until then, i will always be praying for a second chance with you in heaven…

    “i love you with all my heart and soul and everything i am, i miss you like crazy hms, you are my best friend…”

    love forever,

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    3 Responses to happy belated birthay

    1. Peter C
      September 9, 2015 at 5:38 pm

      Dearest M –

      I am so, so sorry you had to experience this terrible loss. What a precious, rich set of memories you carry; what a heavy, deep load of regret you bring with you; and what a bright blinding experience of love, flaring like a hot small sun.

      Five years. It is a long time. There is no such thing as moving on; wherever you move to, you carry your love, your regrets, your aches and your loneliness with you. You can change homes or continents, and wherever you go, there you are.

      What would he want, do you think? He sounds special. It sounds like he was full of you, full of the being of you, full of your laugh and your touch, full of your silly jokes and full of your sadness when you were sad.

      How do you move when your feet are rooted to the one terrible day when he died? Your friend, your best friend, how do you keep living? How much of you is forever stuck, rooted, lost in what has happened?

      “I love you” – how wonderful to have been able to say that while he still lived and you still felt alive. And now what, what would he want, what would he think?

      There are so many kinds of sadness when someone dies. The sadness of remembering the past, and now knowing that that person is forever gone. The sadness of today, when the person is no longer beside you. The sadness of the future, which you have to rewrite line by line and now without him in it. The sadness of others, that can rip through you because you see their pain and it doubles your own ache. And then the sadness that passes through you like a wind, like a chill wind that blows without source or destination.

      You know, there are four ages of remembering, as well. There is the remembering of the death, the events, the numbness, the sobbing that had no end. Then the remembering of events past, the kiss, the smile, the arcade, the laughter, and you feel it as a terrible loss. And then again the remembering of events past but now it is a warming, a gratefulness for what you have been given, a realization that many have never had such gifts, have never been allowed to feel a love like yours. And finally, the last and truest remembering, which is to live your life as the other person would have wished. You remember the other person in action, in learning again to share, learning again to trust and love. You take the wonder of what you had and use it to build the life you have yet to live. Not to replace, not to forget, not to duplicate, but to honor. The best honor for a life well lived is to honor it with your own life, well lived.

      Are you doing that, do you think? Would he approve of you living in the shadows of what has been but is no more? If he could speak to you, through the wind or through your dreams, what would he ask of you? Those who love us most ask of us the most difficult things. So then you know the answer already; he would ask you to live a life as filled with love and joy as he knew with you. It is the hardest ask of all, and it is the opposite of moving on. It is moving forward.

      If he were here with us, I wonder, I think, would he say “now is the time, you have honored me and grieved for me, now is the time, you must make your life worthy of what we had. I expect it of you, I ask it of you, I will comfort you but now you must also trust me. Build the life I know that you can, with the time you have left. It is time, my sweetest heart.”

      I hope that you can hear him;

      Peter C


    2. M
      September 10, 2015 at 3:18 am

      Peter, you write so, so wisely, and beautifully.
      I’m intrigued to know if you too, have a story, but I’ll content myself with just reading your words to others.
      Thank you, thank you.


    3. Peter C
      September 13, 2015 at 4:05 pm

      Hi M. Thank your for your kind comments. I write because I hope that every now & then, a word may land right and do something to ease a burden.

      You know, if you read something and it resonates, when you recognize it as inherently true, that can only be because you already had it inside you. How else could you know instantly that something is true? So it’s fair to say that we all have deep currents of wisdom inside ourselves, every day, and if we are very lucky then sometimes we find the words to bring those currents to where others can see. But still, whether we’re blessed with being able to find the words or not, the currents are common in all of us. Such a deep, sounding river that runs underground through mankind, connects us without words, carrying that which is most true for all of us, each of us.

      Since you ask, yes I do have a story. You were so courageous at writing down yours, and you did it so well that just reading it makes others share your pain & want to help. Someday I’ll share my stories too, and we will again discover how much we are alike, all of us. My caring and love to you M.



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