• ghost of life

    by  • September 6, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    life is amazing, goes on like a river flowing down the hill … moments o happiness and grief do come as the river runs its course …. but what happens when you just wish things to be over and you can actually open up a grave and sleep inside it forever away from pain of being who you are, the lies you live through, expectations you don’t fulfill, a career that seems like downhill, a boyfriend that only needs you when he is unhappy and then to top it all you are gay … well that’s my life. so just wishing it to be over … i’m done with so much trying and losing at every thing, being pathetic at everything is my god’s gift ….

    can’t tell my folks about myself … they might actually kick me off from there family although that pain will be less as anyways i live in different city … sometimes i enjoy locking myself and thinking about ways to die … when life is death every moment why bother dying every day, one death is more than enough.
    imagine not being able to ever imagine having a proper life with a house and a person whom loves you and a golden sunset of growing old with somebody .. i stop my mind from ever imagining those things so as to not give pain to myself

    not that i’m on verge of suicide but i don’t actually like living anymore what’s the point of all this of being loved like a stepping stone for a better opportunity in life …
    i’m just so tired of this life ….. i wish i can give it to somebody who actually wants it live …. i can feel my soul in pain yet i smile everyday … i control what i say and what i should say while the truth of how my heart feels lays buried like a sword in mud

    sincerely wishing i had some help … i’m on verge of actually giving up on this journey, is it so bad being who i am, or is this the god’s way of punishing a man like me for surviving so long

    on the face i’m the most amazing person who is kind, nice and in control … deep down i’m just out of control of losing everything … i have had a lot of exes … each gave me some happiness and wrenching pain … still i tried every time of finding somebody who might want to be with me … still it’s painful to be a loser all the time … nobody understands who you feel … when you see people being happy and you there trying to hide your tears of pain to push yourself to sleep ….. i hope nobody has to go through this pain …. the pain is intensified because of love songs or songs of love that had eluded … so music has to be avoided … just being in a dark corner helps …. even crying or sleeping doesn’t helps…

    the only wish you make is death … than that is not life its a torture beyond anything
    sometimes i imagine being happy but i cannot even start on the imagination … because i start crying uncontrollably…. i feel so alone inside that sometimes i actually think about taking may be some poison pills ,…. i don’t think i have the courage for that also now … sincerely wishing life becomes life

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