• A thought at 3am

    by  • September 5, 2015 • Heartbreak • 3 Comments

    I miss you a lot
    I know that phrase is over used.
    I often say it to people that I truly don’t even miss as just something nice to say.
    I know our situation is shitty, and I know that you’re living your dream and thats what this was all about in the first place.
    I figured in letting you go I would find my solstice as well.
    I thought that making you happy would end up making me happy too.
    You’re where you belong though. You were always so good yet under appreciated that it lights me up inside to see you get the recognition you deserve.
    I just hope you don’t forget me.
    I hope that it doesn’t get to your head and that you always remember how hard I supported you and how much I always believed in you. I still do.
    You’re a different kind kid, I’ve never met one quite like you.
    The kindest of souls that has lived a life that would have made anyone sour.
    but you’re coming up on top and you deserve it.
    at the end of the day I still love you. Its been over a year now and I don’t know how to move on.
    I guess I just don’t have a good reason to let you go.
    I almost wish you told me you have no regard for my being, that I disgusted you and you never wanted to see me again.
    That way I would have a good reason.
    So what the fuck am I even trying to say?
    I don’t know anymore,
    I would drive my car to california right now if you asked me to
    but you never have.
    You’re happy without me
    and I have to accept that
    I should be too
    I moved to a great city, I’m doing well in school, I have a decent job, I have an awesome place with kick ass friends and a dog too. I have guys that want to take me out, I’m even kind of seeing someone.
    Yet I’m still up at 3am writing you notes you’ll never receive.
    For what?
    It proves useless.
    I just hope you know, that I would drop any guy for you.
    I wish someone would tell me how to just not care anymore,
    how to move the fuck on with my life.
    I even met someone new and he’s not what I want. I know that now although I’ve always known that deep down.
    I hope when you talk about your successes that I’m one of them
    Who else was there when we had nothing else but each other?
    Now you’re somebody, and somebodies get noticed
    you probably have girls hanging on your every word
    and I wonder if you ever compare them to me?
    and where do I fall?
    Do I set the bar for you? I hope I do
    I hope that when you wake up next to someone else you wish it was me.
    But I don’t think so.
    If you did you would have broken down to me already
    like I have so many times since we’ve broken up
    I’ve called you, texted you, with everything exposed.
    and although there is always sorrow in your response,
    its never like mine.
    Time doesn’t heal anything
    I’ve learned that

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    3 Responses to A thought at 3am

    1. peter c
      September 7, 2015 at 12:34 pm

      I am so sorry that your life is all scrunched up right now. There is grieving for sure, but then there is the debilitating wound that doesn’t heal, that keeps oozing and it hurts so, especially in the middle of the lonely night, that keeps pulling you back when you might otherwise be moving on. Why is that?

      You’re right, time doesn’t heal. We have to do the healing ourselves. It’s not about learning not to care any more. That is just hardening your heart, and the problem is that once you harden it for one thing, you harden it for all things. It becomes more difficult for anyone else to find the pathway into your heart, and your life grows lonelier. So learning not to care is not the answer.

      How do we do it? How do we move on from what sounds like a true love, a connecting of souls? It is very hard. If you are very honest you’ll discover that what you miss the most, what makes you the loneliest, is that you experienced a true connection and now it is gone. The echo of that connection resonates in your life, sets up bewildering responses, cuts you off from seeing if there might be another true connection in your life. And so you hold onto the ashes of your memories, much like we might weep over the sad few ashes of someone who is dear to us & now dead. It is a kind of death for you, too, and yet you believe something is still alive. Maybe the ashes can be stirred back into embers, maybe embers can again become the hot white flame that burned so brightly, so long ago already.

      But you know that is not the case, you are holding onto only ashes, cold and grey, and pretending they are still warm. Look closely, you will see what you are embracing is already gone, it has fled your life. Your heart tries to keep it alive because it cannot understand that something so wonderful can truly be gone. But you know, in the deepest corners, that it is so already. Your love is gone, already, and the person you once loved has already changed. He is no longer here, he is a new person with a new mind and a new heart, you are crying for what is forever already lost. Even if you were to meet him again, see him again, if you were very honest you’d know that it would be a new person, someone you would have to get to know again from the start.

      So I would say that even though you have cried and sobbed, even though your heart aches, you have not grieved. We do not grieve for what we think we have not yet lost, that may yet be ours. Life now asks that you must be very courageous. You must grieve for what is truly and forever lost. You must admit to yourself that you hold only cold ashes, and that the person you love no longer exists. Only when you grieve because the loss is forever permanent, only then can you heal.

      You know, there are so many kinds of tears. There are the acid tears, that hurt more and more, the more they flow. It is like your gut is clenched so tight that the acid in your stomach and the acid in your tears are the same. They cut a path but do not heal. There are the deep salt tears of anger, hot and filled with salt, and they seem to come from an inexhaustible well that swells even as you cry. And then there are the tears like rain, gentle soft tears that bear away sorrow, tears that melt things in us that have hardened over many years. These are tears of relief; it is like when someone strokes your head when you cry, not trying to take away the sorrow that you own, but knowing that tears can soften and heal too. I hope sometime you can experience these tears. They will slowly, with love, heal you.

      I wish you well

      Peter C




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    2. M
      September 8, 2015 at 1:53 am

      Beautiful writing, both by the author, and Peter. Author, thank you for writing almost exactly how I feel.
      Peter, thank you for so beautifully writing the bitter, painful truth.




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    3. Teardrops
      September 8, 2015 at 8:28 pm

      Author – You are not Alone.

      Peter – You are so very Wise.

      I needed this. Thank you.

      S




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