Remember when you were young and watched Disney movies? It made it seem like no matter what happened in life, finding love was the most important thing. Or what about those hopeless romantic rom coms about no matter how hard life got, or how douchey a guy is to begin with, he will fight for you and it’ll be a happily ever after?
Clinging on to those ideals had gotten me through life but has kept my standards so high that not even Prince Charming himself would be able to attain me. It all began with my distorted view of reality, in which my standards have been altered to be completely impossible and therefore, my fear of rejection has created a person who has a chronic fear of caring. Caring about something (or a person) results in either praise and higher expectations or failure. This has been my biggest disability in life.
I distinctly remember in first grade, we were all asked to put up a number on the calendar in front of the entire class and say our names. As the days went by, I became more and more nervous and crouched lower and lower until I was completely hidden by the tallest girl in class. Slowly but surely, I began to gain confidence throughout the years, but never let go of my insecurities. Outwardly I would be confident, but inwardly, I thought mercilessly about each action that has affected my interactions with people. Finally in high school, I began to gain the attention of boys. They became my entire world and the glue to most of my friendships. It led me to making a lot of mistakes that I do not regret, but I cannot be proud of. It gave me confidence but also tore down my self-esteem. It was an addictive pain that made me think I had control over a situation that was being completely manipulated. This was where I diagnosed myself with trust issues.
Now, you may be thinking, what the fuck is wrong with this girl? It took me 20 years to say, FUCK BOYS. FUCK SOCIETY. FUCK WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.
At twenty years old, I’m at a critical milestone that I call, my quarter-life crisis. Approaching my junior year of college has put me in a crossroads between what I am and what I want to be. This is the time where I deviate from my fellow peers aspiring for their own career paths, from my parent’s expectations, and from my own inhibitions. It’s a time where I truly take advantage of my independence to focus on myself. This summer I gained a completely different outlook in life where I gave people a chance without any judgment and enjoyed just doing random things. I dabbled in things that interested me, and figured out what I wanted to do without feeling the pressures of needing to be successful. Life is all trial and error, so might as well take advantage of that. I feel so confident now and I am fighting to become my own prince charming. I’ve, unfortunately, closed my heart to the potential suitors, but opened up to myself to become who I want to be. After all, how am I supposed to expect a person to be perfect for me, when I don’t even know what that entails? I’m just taking the time to be me. I need this time to distinguish between what I want and what I need. Then slowly but surely, find out who I am, and who I want to be. Finally, then, I can truly have everything fall into place.