• I don’t even live for myself

    by  • September 3, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 1 Comment

    I’m just going through the motions now. It takes too much energy to end my own life.

    I just hope something comes along and does it for me.

    It’s been two and a half months since the fight.

    I haven’t been anywhere that I have a potential to run into you. I hadn’t even checked my email until today. And then when I did check it, there was an email there from you.

    From two months ago. Telling me to talk to another person we both know because they asked you about me.

    You know, I agonised over sending you something, or one of the things I’d already gotten with you in mind. A card, a present, something to acknowledge your birthday. Couldn’t do it. couldn’t face the nightmare vision that you might take one look at it and burn it, throw it in the bin, whatever.

    I can’t do it. I can’t talk to anyone. I daren’t. I left all of these spaces we shared to keep from upsetting you and because none of these people know me enough for me to consider them a friend.

    You were my friend. You were my only friend. I don’t want anyone else after you. I don’t want to go through this again. Anymore.

    So I did all the things I should not have. I drank alone. I smoked. I lay in bed for days. I still do this.

    Life has just stopped and I have no energy to start it again.

    I hope I fall asleep and never wake up, because today, it’s your birthday I think I’m finally realising there will never be a way back from this.

    My life is over and I’m just waiting for that bus to kill me.

    I’m still truly alone. I haven’t picked up the phone to my father ringing me since that night. If I do then he’ll know something’s wrong and I can’t face talking to him and telling him I don’t have you anymore. Or listen to him telling me to just get past it, and just be happy instead of depressed.

    I’ve never regretted anything in my life or wished I could change anything until this. I regret this, and I wish I could do anything in the world to make it alright, to have you back and to never have to ever revisit this again.

    I’m so, so tired.

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    One Response to I don’t even live for myself

    1. Fen
      September 3, 2015 at 5:17 pm

      I’m not going to tell you that the world will soon give you something that will make you happy again, but I understand what you’re going through. There’s not going to be anything anyone can say or do that will lift you out and save you, but this is a process that is needed to before you can move on. The more numb you feel, the easier it’ll be, but try not to do anything too reckless that might hurt the ones around you. Eventually you’ll come out the other end of the tunnel and you’ll be grateful for this time of grieving and loss, you’ll then find things that do bring you happiness again.

      I’m not saying that when you look back it won’t hurt still. Your mind is a muscle, and just like when you hurt yourself and your muscle remembers, your mind and heart will remember too. You’ll grow from this, and you’ll understand yourself better after surviving it. <3 Just hang in there.



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