Perhaps you are right. It’s just… I’ve experienced so many situations in my life where people told me what was impossible. I had coaches who should have inspired and supported me, but the best thing they could do was spreading doubts and finding mistakes in my upcoming ideas. I also didn’t ask for much help, because I always thought I had to do everything on my own and I was convinced that no one could give me the support I needed. So I think I contributed to this situation and made it much harder for myself.
I lost a lot on my way. I got weak and lazy and I fell into depression I’ve not fully recovered from till this day. I didn’t give up and I finished the “impossible”, but I don’t feel proud of what I’ve accomplished. It took far too long and it was much too hard to feel happy about it. If it were only about the outcome, I would say it was a major mistake.
On the other hand, when I put myself back in time I still feel that it was the best of choices I could have made considering the sea of mistake options I was swimming in. And I also feel some kind of satisfaction that came along with the knowledge that I’ve acquired in the process. I’m convinced that, if I’d do it again, I’d do it much faster. Just because of the simple fact that I know now what I didn’t really believe then. The “impossible” was possible.
I’ve learned that you don’t have to invent everything on your own and that it only makes sense in a few areas that really matter to you. I’ve learned that it were my own insecurities and fears of failure that were holding me back. I don’t think that my instincts were completely wrong. I still wouldn’t fully trust my supporters I had back then – they had far too many fears on their own – but I would be more faithful that there are people out there who could help me. I think I should have invested more time in trying to find them and shouldn’t have taken the criticism I got from “my supporters” so seriously.