To the only girl I truly love.
I just awoke from a dream,
where me and you had a very real conversation.
In this dream, I was in a car,
I was in the back seat, you were in the front.
Neither of us were driving,
but you wouldn’t even look at me.
The car stopped, we both got out,
I called out your name,
you turned and looked at me,
but did not say anything.
We were in a forest.
You looked sad, turned your back,
and kept walking.
I called out again, same result.
Then, the location changed…
We were at some cafe, or restaurant,
however that does not matter.
The location of the dreamscape,
that does not matter.
What matters is what happened here,
I called out to you again,
you walked into the restaurant,
and it appeared that you worked there.
I went in, I had to talk to you.
I explained that I just could not take it anymore,
I missed you so much, and I wanted to clear the air.
I told you that I have work now,
after you knowing me as a jobless bum,
you seemed impressed and happy for me.
Your face changed.
You were happy to see me,
you missed me too, I could see that.
For a sweet moment,
our eyes met each other’s,
both of us smiling.
Just as I was saying something,
you had to answer a phone in the cafe.
I walked out feeling somewhat elated,
I hung around for a while in the foyer,
smoking a few cigarettes.
The dream started to collapse around that point,
for I think it had served it’s purpose.
I was gratefully not awoken from my dream,
during the time I spent talking to you.
Now, normally I don’t take dreams seriously,
but this one I feel like I really did talk to you.
Your beauty had not faded.
Inside and out, you were still the girl I knew.
Here in “reality”, I still miss you so much.
Even with my job, which I am thankful to have,
it still hasn’t changed how I feel about you,
I have become silent, fearful of reaching out,
because I know the last time we conversed,
over e-mail, we did come to closure,
after all the chaos,
but I never wanted that to close the book.
In the dream there was one thing you said,
during our conversation in the restaurant,
that made this feel only more real, you said,
“…but there’s a secret that was let out,
that should not have been let out!
That’s why this is so hard.”
Words came from myself,
that I somehow found the courage to find.
With tears in my eyes I said,
“I know. I am sorry,
but who gives a fuck what others think?
Let them think what they want!”
To me, this was a spiritual dream,
I feel that to be true,
maybe our spirits really did converse?
As far as what others think,
well, I have since built a thick skin,
and tolerate no shit from others.
I know the “secret” was of my doing,
for which I will be forever penitent,
please believe me on that.
I have become a very spiritual person,
in this last year.
I do believe that Satan seeks to pull apart,
and destroy, what could be good.
Whether that be through lust,
greed, jealousy, or pride.
Not to take away any responsibility,
but I look back on my life,
where I was arrogant towards God,
blasphemous, angry, hurt.
I’m still hurt,
but I have let go of my anger towards Him,
and towards you.
I was very proud,
and very lustful.
It did take a few knocks,
before my heart was humbled towards God.
Now, my life after my revelation,
I have been blessed with good work,
a discerning of loyalties,
perhaps that came too late,
but the friends I keep around me,
the ones I WANT to hang out with,
they have my back, to the death.
I love my friends,
I love my family.
One huge piece is missing,
and that is you.
I would welcome you back with open arms.
I have had fleeting crushes on other women,
but the fire in my heart never burns for long.
I have never given my heart to another.
My loyalty is to you,
and so I save my love for you,
even if it is never returned,
how else would I be true to myself?
I am no player, I am no liar.
I told myself I would not post on this site again,
for it is full of deceivers,
impersonators, ones who seek to bring ruin.
There are ones here I feel who fight my corner,
well to them I have no disdain, if that be so.
…or maybe that is just me being paranoid,
either way, I thought I would make it clear,
that I have not posted here until now,
for many months.
In closing I will say,
it has been so long,
I really am tired,
but the fire in my heart for you never died.
I miss you so much,
you are so special to me,
and I really wish that things could have been different.
I could not help myself to write this letter.
I had made a pact with myself to leave this site alone.
You really are the one girl in my life,
who I could not forget.
If you see this,
and if you want to reach out,
you know how to contact me…
I will always be here for you,
even though I am on my own path,
I am my own man,
I have my own dreams,
my own passions,
I would hope that you would be happy,
that even with this relentless heart of mine,
I still “have a life”,
I just wish you were in it.
Missing you dearly.