• Longanimate

    by  • August 19, 2015 • Smitten • 0 Comments

    You’re a jerk, you know that? Every time I try and protect you tell me ‘just stop talking to me’. Is that how we treat people who we sacrifice everything for? No. I loved you for three whole fucking years, did you love me back? Of course not. I poured my heart out to you and you cursed at me. I cursed back in anger, not for you, but for myself.
    Why did I have to tell you? I knew your answer already. When you said one sentence to me, I melted all over again. Sure, you needed help on this project but that one sentence was all I needed to fall in love without you all over again. You told your ex, my best-friend that the only reason you went out with her was because she could never get a guy. Let’s be honest though, if that was true you would’ve gone out with me, not her.
    She’s beautiful and athletic, and I’m short and average looking. I’ve always been jealous of the attention you gave her. Always. I tried to have closure. I really did. I pushed you to ask her out and you did, twice, and now you’ve broken up and she’s broken-hearted. She still holds onto the idea that you still love her. When she sees love in your eyes when you look at her……whenever I see your eyes I just see guilt in them.
    Sometimes I comfort myself by saying ‘that’s why he stopped talking to you, because you remind him of the pain he knows he caused you.’ I know that’s not true, I know you don’t feel like that. But God, when I look at you across the class. See the innocent boy I fell in love with. The boy who had a bowl hair cut. And it hurts so badly because I feel like that boy is in a cage inside you, screaming and pounding because you’ve become quite cruel.
    I’ve never stopped loving you, I might’ve tricked myself into thinking I don’t but I’m on the same leash as your ex.
    And I will never admit it. Never. I’ve seen what happens when I do and I’m not prepared to loose someone I’m just starting to get back.
    I want you back, even just as a friend. I really, truly do, with all my heart.
    So I’m sorry, for everything. Maybe you’ll see this by chance and know it’s for you, ha, that would be funny, maybe you’d even comment saying you’re sorry. Well, that’s never going to happen, you have a life. A busy busy life that I’m probably never going to be apart of again. So maybe we’ll meet in another life and I won’t screw up like I did in this one.
    You taught me what longanimate means in English.
    Long suffering.

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