I do b believe in love but I think it is lost to me. Not in a poor me type of sense but I can not hold it long enough. I played I can fix him card so long that once freed that’s all I know. Now the card has no value and I am a better poker player in a sense. Just a broke one. Now I am getting older with so many problems that I am to scared to love. In my mind I always feel there’s a negative out come or it will not last. People tell me to live for the moment. I think I live to work, keep a house clean, and take care of my son. There’s not much time left after that. I stay busy to give myself little time to think. What little time I have I prefer to be within myself. I have tried with failure always around the corner or the I meet them half way or all the way but they can never meet me even half way. So after all that time and my now letter…I have found some one but scared of death of him. He is not like any one I have ever known but he’s diffrent on who I would picture myself with. He makes me want to be me again but when he’s gone I feel the old me returning. How can I give myself fully to some one if I can’t trust and I am still broken? It’s not him but my own fears. I have more to lose. Any one who is a single parent or just a busy person would understand. I cut most every one out of my life because I am just to busy or felt I should just stop talking to them. Now to put my feelings and fears to a site….maybe I was wrong. Then again when I listen to every one else’s problems or help them out and can’t do the same back…What I have I lost breaking ties? It’s true it’s easier to talk to a stranger then any one else. So here I am in my irrational state of having a drink and writing to site.