I know i’ve been a little distant lately, but with good reason. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. The truth is, you’re always on my mind to some extent. But I’ve been thinking about you a little differently recently.
Not so much about how much I love you, or how much you mean to me, or how much I want to see you. But about you, the real you. Who you are, what you want, why you do the things you do.
And listen, you’re just as much of mystery to me as you’ve always been. I think you like that, I don’t want you to think I’ve got you all figured out. Because you’ve always got another surprise up your sleeve for me.
I think I’ve idealized you for so long that its hard for me to see you as the human being you are. Flawed, making mistakes, holding on to regrets. I don’t like to think of you being unhappy, ever. In my mind when I see you you’re always smiling. But you must have your own challenges and burdens, I’m sure you’re sad or just overwhelmed sometimes. I wish you would come to me when you feel that way. I wonder if you see me struggling with my own life and think I can’t help you, or that it would just make things worse for me. But Baby, all I want is to take care of you. I want to hold you tight, tell you I love you, tell you everything is going to be ok. Better than just ok, because together I don’t think there’s anything that can break us. Were stronger together, I really believe that.
I’ve needed you in my life for so long. So much so that even after you left I’ve desperately held onto you, every little memory I can manage. (I think you would be a little astonished at how much I actually remember. Like the time you said that you thought I liked to provoke people? Hmmmmm well I guess it takes one to know one huh 😉 .) I’ve never felt like you needed me, especially not this last year for obvious reasons. But I try to imagine your daily life, with what little I know about you, and I think maybe you’re really just as lonely as I am. Certainly better at handling it, I’m sure, but lonely all the same. I think you do need me. You’re just afraid to admit that to yourself. And even more afraid to admit that to me.
You know, even with the clarity that’s come over time, there are so many questions I have. Why you left me, why you won’t talk to me, why you gave up on us. I wish you would just come back. Sit down with me for a half hour over some coffee. I’ve never figured out how to show you that I will love you until the day I die and make you really believe it. But I just know if you looked in my eyes again, you would see it. The fire inside me that burns for you, and you alone. Believe me, if I was going to move on, if I was going to try to love someone else, I would have done so by now. Because this has been utter hell for me. Having you ripped away from me by your own hands. I just want you back, but I need you to come back.
I don’t want our relationship to be about me perpetually chasing you. I don’t want it to be about constantly second guessing myself, whether I’m meeting your expectations. I don’t want to be constantly fearing that you’re going to leave me. I want you to stop running, or at least start running in the opposite direction, back towards me. I want to know 100% I’m good enough for you, because only then can I give you my very best. And most importantly, if and when you come back, I need you to stay. I don’t know what it is that’s held you back, what it is that’s kept us from being together from your perspective. But I can tell you for me, its the fear of losing you time after time after time when I never even really had you.
Ok, that’s all for tonight. My sleep schedule has got all messed up this summer, so I’m trying to get it back to normal. Give yourself a great big hug for me. I love you so much. You are my hope, and you are my joy.