The pain I inflict on myself by submitting to seeing you is equal to the pain of not having you in my life at all. Each time my chest gets tight, my heart hurts, it throbs like you’ve hit it with a hammer and it bruises the same, whether you are telling me “I can’t do this, I don’t want to be with anyone”, or whether you are saying, “I’m sorry I hurt you and ran off”… The apologies don’t fix anything as each time know you’ll do it again.
And I think to myself, is this what it is- to love someone that is full of unspoken conflict, we both admit there is something unique there but your past and my past say “can’t do it”…
I’m just as damaged and all I WANT is you to hold me the way you do, wrapped around me like a blanket, your kisses feel like protective magic that deflects all the hard stuff I have to deal with and I know that you need me to hold your head in my lap and stroke your hair until you close your eyes to help you sleep and switch off. It’s a bubble that shuts out the world and I hate it when it bursts every time you feel emotionally compromised.
I can’t win- if I ask for nothing you give nothing, if I ask you say sorry you can’t give more than you are. It’s a fight with both hands tied. It’s wearing me out.
I’m sorry it hurts. But tomorrow when I see you – again – after months- I’ll paste a smile on, pretend to be positive when in actual fact by heart wants to slap you and cry and tell you “how can you keep doing this to me?! Am I not worth more??”
There is no outcome to this. I just wanted to get it out. I love our silence, I love how easy it IS being with you and how much you feel like a jigsaw piece in many way- and I hate you for keep pulling away. I don’t see an outcome that doesn’t hurt. Because you won’t change for me. But… I would change for you. I am, I’m compromising my worth every time I forgive and say, “you hurt me but I forgive you…” I can’t hold you responsible for MY stupidity…
I just wish I could be what you want and need…. x