• What if it was all a waste?

    by  • July 31, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 1 Comment

    N,

    Two years I spent pouring every ounce of myself into this friendship. At first, it was surreal- I mean, long lost friends that click perfectly when reunited? Give me a break, you only find that stuff in movies. Sad thing is, I was convinced otherwise when it all began. It felt so great to know that there was something, or better yet, someone who cared for me in ways that were unimaginable.

    It was slowly but surely consuming me. Phone call after phone call, message after message. One thing warped into another and it all-pardon my french- went to absolute fucking shit. There was not one thing you didn’t accuse me of, or one way you questioned my ability to be a friend. You broke my confidence down when I was already so low. I was at the worst point in my life, you came as a lifejacket and pulled me out from drowning, but then you’d plunge me back in, conditioning me to believe that you controlled me and that me breathing was at the mercy of your will. Everyone that I loved kept telling me that this would head nowhere but down, and all the times I thought you were “teaching me how to be a good friend”, all that ended up happening was that I fell lower into the hole with no confidence by my side.

    So this went on, for two years. Whether I liked it or not, I became insurmountably dependent on you. And for that, resentment started to build, slowly creeping over all the positive memories I had of us. I felt trapped, cornered and worst of all-scared. Scared not because I’d be losing a friend if I stuck up, but scared of the swings you’d take while going down and being unable to heal from them. I was scared because all the people that I cared about at school, were under your control. You had the power to ruin things between the guy that I like and myself. To be honest, that’s the only reason I got worked up when you were upset. It’s the only way I convinced myself to give it one more shot. His impression mattered enough to me, for rationalizing the way you had been abusing me. Funny thing is, even after everything, he is like putty in your hands. The place that I used to have in his life, you took. You may not like him, but I’m not needed in the picture anymore.

    All of that being put to the side, I am not naive. I am fully aware of the fact that I did choose this for myself; the friendship, bending to your every request, spoon-feeding you and forgetting about my needs or what I found important. I am definitely at fault here, if not entirely. But no matter how small it is, you are too. You exploited, and manipulated me at the cost of my self-respect.

    The funny thing is, nothing is the same anymore. I realized what was going on and I started putting distance between us- I would only tell you my secrets on a need to know basis. Eventually, I knew more about your life than you knew about mine. And you know what, it’s going to stay that way too. I have no trust that this will work out in the future. if you’d like to prove me wrong, by all means, go ahead, I do love surprises. The only reason I am giving this one more chance is because we both have something really important to our careers coming up. This exam is a make or break situation and I am not ready to take the responsibility on my head if you perform poorly. Oh, and going back to the guy I almost fell in love with, well we don’t talk much anymore- partially because I didn’t like how much of myself I was giving to him and partially because he was making a change for the worst.

    So at the end of the day, I am sorry. I am sorry for going on with this friendship while hiding it’s toxic effects on me. That’s all I can think of to apologize to you for. Apologies for myself? R, I’m sorry I let it get to this place, I’m sorry I didn’t care to stand up for myself, I’m sorry for neglecting the others that loved me for this one person. I’m sorry.

    I’m trying to forgive myself, and in order for that to happen, I need to forgive you.
    Whatever happened, happened. I am not a spiteful woman, but I am a careful one.

    These mistakes won’t be happening again, and with that being said, it’s time for me to move on.

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    One Response to What if it was all a waste?

    1. mick
      October 9, 2015 at 9:14 am

      I have made changes for the worse but it has never been influenced by who you think O truth is I have been the backbone for you and me for so long that the weight of our world has broken me and i am now in trouble
      I have wanted to approach you as it is your specialty. You have atempted to help me onv we before when my problems weren’t so difficult to repair but i remember the way you looked at me. Like a client not someone who cared. Not that it didnt help but when i saw the way you looked at me. I knew that was your out from what we have (had) have gone down from then but when ther is no safety net to catch us you cannot pick yourself up from a fall until you hit solid ground. Dont know if im there yet but i have been preparing for the impact… i will survive i just wont find my place in this life….




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