Because we did.
Because even though I knew we had a few years, I thought we had a few more and then some, maybe.
I guess I thought there was enough time to go to lunch alone. To sit quietly and be the scared little kid. Defensive, melancholy, warm and generous and smiling easily. Fuck what I thought.
I’m still scared, but I’m braver now. I’m not louder, but I speak my mind. I don’t open up, but if you ask of me a secret or a prying detail I will tell you unafraid. My smiles are automatic and real. I will laugh at your jokes and match you jab for jab. When someone talks down, I talk back.
What I’m trying to say is that I wasted so much time- not we, just I, just me. You were always there and I took too long to grow out of my shell and get a pair and ask you out.
You were the third person I came out to, and I was the second that you came out to. Two girls, so close, they’re such good friends, aren’t they? Once we could have been something more. If you asked me today I would still jump at the chance to make it real. But I wasted the time we had and I don’t dare ask for more. You go your way, I’ll go mine; fading out and away like good little schoolchilren.
Bonne nuit and guten nacht, lemon rose.