It always comes back to you when i think about love. maybe because you are i guess my first love. i didn’t realse that properly until we had broken up and you weren’t talking to me because i just took it for granted that one day like always we would get back together like we always did for 3 years now. everyone always said we were like husband and wife and you would do anything for me but i guess one day you had just had enough. we both know you treated me badly after we broke up and even after all those stupid scenarios i play out in my head where you try and get me back and i do the whole strong and heartless act i know that in real life i would fail and we would probably end up back in that endless circle of loving each other then arguing then everyone getting involved then me saying this isn’t working and ending it then us getting back together. I know that everyone saw me as evil and a bitch for ending in all those times but seriously we both knew it should happen. I was the one to voice it and you knew it was the right thing. We could never last long in a relationship but i remember you saying to me that you always considered me you girlfriend even when we had broken up. The same was felt for me. If i saw you with anyone else i would silently and sometimes not so silently freak out and hate that girl. yes I hate rebecca for the way she threw herself at you. But you know that and you still played along each time. sometimes i don’t know what i see in you. I never have but there’s something about you. There always has been. The way you treat me and the way you treat others frustrates me because i know there’s always a front with you and i don’t think we ever got past it. We could never be totally honest with each other until we were drunk and i think that was our downfall. After the stuff i told you i couldn’t look you in the eye. I wanted you to be there for me but i think you were too shocked and wary. I knew then that we weren’t gonna last and i think it was that moment i gave up on us. I will always regret telling you that because it changed us. i hope you regret that night as well. I still love you and miss you sometimes so much that i have to force myself to pretend not to care to stop myself crying about you in public. I comes in waves. I was all like oh well its over i’m completely over it but then i realise i’m not. I’ve resorted to looking at star signs to help me work out how to deal with it. I still harbour a dream of you waking up one day and realising you don’t want to ignore me forever and phone text or come over and we can at least be friends or be together again but i know that its such a slim chance of that happening that i might as well give up. I deleted your number i don’t look at any photos of you or with you in. But today i was going through my files and found some pictures of us at the theatre with everyone and i remember that day because we weren’t going out we were on one of our many breaks but we were very close and spent the day side by side and no one tried to split us up. you held my hand when we were walking to our seats when i felt a bit dizzy. I was dizzy but wasn’t gonna fall or anything but i wanted you to hold my hand because i wanted you near me. I had to stop sorting my files because i didn’t want to see the pictures. You hate me now because that’s how you deal with this but you hating me is making this worse. I know if we agreed to be friends it wouldn’t work as we have tried that and i know that we need to move on and i have tried and tried and i cant do it not completely. I don’t want to see you so i can move on but i need to see you but when i see you it doesn’t feel like us and i don’t want to be near you because i know it is too awkward and we can never be close again. NOw i’m just over thinking this and need to stop because i’m not in a film i need to stop ittgtrh tdyjognmfkld,s.