How do I start this? If I knew what I thought it would achieve then maybe I’d know. But I don’t know. There’s so many things I don’t know. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know why you lied to me. I don’t know if I should believe the history of us – I don’t know if I should believe the history I hold where I always felt as safe as I did with you, if I should have told you all the things I did, if I should have been so open, if it’s all my fault. I don’t know what I should think when I try to analyse our past, because when I do I think so many things. I think about the dumb emoji pictures I spent ridiculous amounts of time creating to make you smile, I think about the book I wrote you, the constant, mutual cheerleading. I think about how we created a haven for each other – a safe space to land, the perfect place to stop and be true, to consider our lifes and forget our lifes. I think about our inside jokes and the massages, the laughter and the insane, intense connection that neither of us can deny. I think about all the times that we should have given up. I think of the things I’ve done for you, the scary, confusing things I’ve done without a moment of hesitation because it felt right. We feel right. I think about how we gravitate towards each other, how life seems better when you’re in it, how I’m stronger when you’re in it. I think about how we forget to forget each other. How we’re in each other’s orbit and how right it feels. How perfect it feels. How we’ve seen each other at our worst, and still somehow think we’re the best. I think about how you make me laugh harder than almost anyone and how making you laugh is one of my favourite things. I think about how even when we fight I can’t harbour even faux hate for you, how you’ve always been on my side, and how I’ve always been on yours. We’re a team. And we’re the best damn team I’ve ever seen. I would bet on us every single time. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that until last week you were one of the best things that has ever happened to me. And a life without you in it isn’t a life I want to live. It’s scary. It’s empty. It’s incomplete
I think about all these things and I think about the end and I think about how I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me because I don’t think they are things that necessitate convincing. I think of life without. Without the texts that make me smile and cinema trips and Netflix and silly songs and our nest. And that thought makes me feel like I’m drowning. Because I don’t know a lot but I know that I need you to know that no one will make you feel the way I do. And no one will feel about you the way I do. Because there is a reason we ended up here despite everything. There is a reason I’d fight for you, and I’d fight for us. I’d stay and I know that it’d be worth it. Yes, it would be a car crash for a while, maybe longer. It would be crazy, wonderful, adventurous, passionate, broken, messy, incomprehensible, nonsensical event and it would be worth every ounce of pain. I would protect you and I would accept you and I would love you because it feels like the most natural thing in the world to do. So you have to decide what’s important. You have to decide what you want. Because there comes a time in every life when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you’d better be comfortable with what it tells you.
You broke my heart when you said you don’t deserve what you want. You made me so angry. You said you were settling and I wanted to punch you. No one should settle. No one should be the person someone settled for. So if you don’t pick me, don’t settle. God, don’t freaking settle. Ten years from now, make sure you can say you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it. Don’t break my heart again by settling. Be responsible for the outcome of your own life. Don’t be so caught up in the noble cause of responsibility that you lose your passion for who and what you are living for. Don’t settle for 40, 50, or even 80 percent. A relationship shouldn’t be too small or too tight or even a little scratchy. It shouldn’t take up space in your being out of guilty conscience or convenience or responsibility or fear. It should be perfect for you. It should be lasting. So just wait. Please wait for 100 percent. Steve Jobs nailed it when he said “If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.”
I can’t compete with what your dad said before he passed away. I won’t try to. I would not do that to you. But I will ask you to think about this – if your dad had known that you feel like you’re settling, like you don’t deserve what you want, that you’re not worthy of a life full of adventures and laughter and love, would he have asked that of you? Would he accept that you could look after her by respecting her and not settling for her? Because she deserves that too. She deserves to be the only person for someone too. Every single person deserves to be with someone who worships them, and who gets how funny, sweet, amazing, adorable and sexy they are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking, “oh my God, I’m with them”.
I can’t compete with what your Dad said, but I won’t let you hide behind it either. If you choose to let me go, you have to own that choice. You have to know that that is your decision. And I will always and forever see it as your decision.
You asked me what I wanted. It’s so simple and obvious to me. I want you. I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want rain and snow and sun with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses, your problems. I want your flaws and your mistakes and the smell of your hair, the taste of your skin. I want to make you a better person, I want to drive you crazy, I want you to be there when I succeed and when I fail and I want to be there for you, every step of your life.
I want you to know that this isn’t a childish crush. This is real and this is my life too. I deserve love because everyone does. I deserve to be your choice, I deserve to be the one you pick but you need to make your decision and tell me.