I fell head over heels in love with you, and you changed me. I mean, I sleep naked because you made me comfortable with it. Told me that no one would care, so I tried it, and at first, I didn’t like it. I felt weird and uncomfortable, but I kept doing it because I wanted to do it for one week before I dissed it. And I liked it a lot. Now, I can’t sleep with clothes on. Well, I couldn’t. Now I don’t sleep a lot. I spend most of my time crying and having panic attacks and trying so hard not to cut, one of the habits I dropped for you. Another way you changed me…
I normally can’t stand the thought of people seeing me, but I don’t know. There is just something about you, and I want you to see me, the real me, my body, every mark and scar and place where I have more fat than a size 0, every single slight imperfection that I hate about myself, and I want you to tell me they’re all so beautiful. Tell me they are perfect because they make me, me.
I’ve had some really vivid dreams about you. We slept together in one of them. I was extremely nervous, considering I had never slept with anyone before and I have a strong fear of sex, but I’d been head over heels for you for a long time. I thought I was ready, and I was ready physically, but I was overwhelmed at the thought. But when I saw you, my mind went silent and my heart raced, I wasn’t sure if I could do it. Of course, I did. We did. We had the best night… You made me feel so safe, like you could never hurt me, like nothing could hurt me anymore because the world didn’t exist when you were with me.
People say that ‘true love’ is a once in a lifetime opportunity that everyone wants and some people can never find. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is ‘true love,’ but dammit, it’s really strong, and I don’t know what I can do about it anymore. I was always taught that love could never be wrong, and if it felt wrong, it wasn’t love. What feels wrong is this situation. I can’t sleep easily because I don’t feel safe without your support. We use to collaborate and fight off my demons together, and now, I can’t even try to fight them off because they’re my only reason to be sad.
You’ve always told me that no one could ever love you. Either you were wrong, or I’m no one because I can’t even think about you without crying.