I guess I was a bit hypocritical. I was very unsure of our relationship too. I just didn’t keep my eyes open for other people like you did.
I keep waiting to run into you. This city is big but not that big, it happens. So whenever I’m in places I might expect you to be, I’m alert. If you saw me from behind you’d be able to tell that I am.
Do you think of me first thing in the morning, like I do of you? I’m not sure what it is that I miss, you often irritated me very much. You were so closed off sometimes. Do you know how much that hurts? Of course you do. Why did you think I deserved that pain? Was I cruel to you? Did you not see how I looked at you from behind my hair?
What was it that you needed? Why didn’t you tell me? Maybe I don’t want to know…
Did you care or are you just very good at pretending to care?
Do you still think of that spot in your bed as my spot? Do other women sleep in that spot now? Do you want to punish and smack them or are you glad you don’t have to do that anymore? Do you really think that is not a part of who you are? It is now. I’m sure that surge isn’t there when you touch them. When you slide inside. You won’t look at each other and be amazed at the feeling, your bright eyes rolling back.
I know you must miss how you can feel my laugh before you hear it. I know you must miss how sometimes I smile simply because I’m happy. Or was, at times, with you. You with your crooked teeth and shit-eating grin. We are very much the same in ways. Hungry.
I will miss you for awhile. I don’t tell you to stay away because I don’t want to see you. I tell you to stay away because I want to maintain what little pride I have left. No P, I do not like to be treated like dirt. But if you ask me to come back with the promise of things being different…
Take care. And even though you don’t: I am a person who loves you.