I still remember how it felt, the first time you told me you were seeing someone. Things slowed down, like it was slow motion. Waves of varying emotions started hitting me one after another. First just utter shock. It was literally the last thing I was expecting to hear. Then came anger. First at you, because I felt like you had been playing me for a long time. Then at myself, because after everything you’d told me, I should have seen this coming. Somewhere along the line I became super embarrassed because this was all transpiring in front of my friends, but I don’t blame you for that anymore because you were right, there really wasn’t a ‘good time’ to do this. Then a little more anger at you, when I realized I’d seen you the night before, things were good between us, and you basically said you wanted to see me the next day. It felt like a set up. But as is typical with my emotional responses, that anger quickly converted back to myself, in the form of despondency, at the time I felt I’d wasted, at the apparent futility of my efforts. While all this was going on, I was trying to continue our conversation; in hindsight I think I did pretty well actually, given what was going on in my mind.
And that was the beginning of all my doubt with you. Maybe not the very beginning, but the beginning that I couldn’t ignore. And it seems a little ironic now, in a twisted sense, that I’m calling that the beginning, when really it probably should have been the end. That this would continue to go on for years, at least for me, is mind-boggling. How quickly time flies. All the signs, how I believed whole-heartedly they were for me, when it should have been only too obvious who they really were for.
There’s an easy explanation for your choice. The one you would probably go to immediately if I asked you. Most people would probably just accept that and move on. I just can’t. Because there was so much there between us. I saw it, but more importantly I felt it, every time I saw you. That the love I had for you wasn’t entirely unilateral. For sure, my unyielding loyalty must have endeared you to me somewhat. (Cue the jokes about me being your pet.) But I just know there was more to it than that.
So, I cant accept the easy explanation. I don’t mean that with any offense. I’ve also looked at it from a practical view, and it seems to make your decision a little easier to make. I don’t have the fancy life, the fancy toys. I don’t have the network of friends to party with or the family to have Sunday dinner with. Right now, there’s really not much I can offer you, except for my love and promises that it will be different for me someday. It doesn’t make you a bad person for taking all that into consideration. It doesn’t make you shallow, or at least any shallower than most people are anyway. I try to think of it as maybe a close call for you, and all that stuff was just enough to tip the needle in one direction. Kinda like a tiebreaker.
Of course, maybe I’m way off. The exact details of why you made the decision you made aren’t nearly as important as the decision itself. Honestly, what hurts me the most is that I was there first. Even if I hadn’t explicitly told you how I felt, you knew. You could have chosen me, you could have been with me, before you ever even met your s.o.
I do get some solace from all this though. It explains a lot of your actions towards me. They become commendable almost, in an odd sense. How unfailingly loyal you are. If I was with you, I would want the same thing. For the most part, I’ve never wanted to be a problem for you two, a thorn in your relationship’s side. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never considered some act of sabotage. (After all I’ve got to be #1 on the wait list, right?) But, fortunately, I realized a long time ago that things would never work between us, at least in the long run, if you broke up because of me. How would I be able to trust you then? I know the only way we could ever be together is if things fizzle out of their own accord. And part of me (maybe a small part) hopes that never happens just because of all the pain that would put you through.
I love you so much, despite the choices you’ve made. I am genuinely happy that you are happy. I am waiting for you, I always will be. Please know that doesn’t mean you ever have to leave, or that I expect you to. But if ever that day arrives, come find me.