• Sitting on the Sidelines

    by  • July 16, 2015 • Buck up! • 0 Comments

    So very fucking frustrateddddd @?

    “Should I play hard to get?” “Should I be an introvert or an extrovert?” “Should I see other girls, in case this one doesn’t satisfy my tastes/(needs?)?” “Should I lie to her because her knowing the truth would only hurt her more?” “Should I do the dissapearing act, and wait to see if she’d react as crazy as the others?” “Should I act all alpha, so she won’t see the beta in me?” “Should I ask her how she feels/tell her how I feel, or will she see that as desperation?” “Should I tell her that I love her, or will that scare her away?” ..,

    Should I Should I Should I…. How to act? What to do?
    What the flying fuck !!?

    I just had a guy try to get with me/look for some sort of validation from me in front of his fiancée (who was standing some feet away) smh. As if him guessing my cup size and “complementing” how good I look in plain clothing wear would honestly do the trick. I just shook my head while looking straight at her, wondering if she sees/would ever see the kind of man she plans to spend the rest of her life with.

    I hate games. All kinds…
    Don’t get me wrong I’m still a kid at heart, so I play along with society’s big fucked up game. I just tend to be more of an outsider (sit on the sidelines) looking in on the tactics of others’.
    Survival of the fittest.
    I don’t wish to get lost in it.
    There is a fine line between what you actually n directly see/hear vs the virtual.. The real vs. imaginative.
    I guess it’s why I shy away from forming friendships with girls. Shy away from forming friendships, period. I don’t want to think in the same way so many other girls do. I don’t mean any disrespect. I just don’t consider myself as shallow. Some just don’t see it!!
    And I did for some time think in such a way *laughed at myself*, after being smacked right back to the right line of thinking, right way of perceiving (the reality of it all.

    See things at face value. Direct line of communication.
    Fuck social media, fuck psychics, fuck the she said-he saids

    I’m over it all. Done
    And yet, I play along, wishing and hoping day come, day go not to fall into the cracks again that is, until the bright light, GAME OVER, flashes before my eyes.

    Don’t get me wrong, I want what so many of you have.
    I get asked again and again “do you have a boyfriend?”; from fam, “do you plan on getting married?” “Having kids?”
    What they don’t see is how much I do.. I do want it all, but then I ask myself why, seeing from the sidelines for so long and having been hurt from my first/last love (if I should even call it such).
    The heartbreaks on the streets, the disgustingness of it all.
    It makes me sick.
    To play pretend- when the only thing that ever feels real is the pain in the end.

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