• Dear Mr.P

    by  • July 16, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    I don’t know how it got to this, truly I never saw it coming. All the signs were shoved into my face but I never believed it, I never believed you would want someone like me,God knows I didn’t. I guess you can’t blame me for not seeing, for not believing because you were never truly clear on your intentions. One day you were a friend, the other you were my lover and at times you were both which in the end had scared me the most. You know how it goes, your heart gets broken and you loose hope, you loose trust in those who come out of nowhere acting like they want you for your personality and only wanting to nail you. I guess this is getting out of context, that’s not why I’m writing you this letter, no, I just really want to tell you that I’m sorry for messing it up, for being to confident thinking you’d never love me that I accepted the fact that it would never evolve into anything else than just lovers.
    Even when you offered me to be each other’s partner when it came to guilty pleasures, I still believed you didn’t want me even though, in so many occasions you made it pretty clear. I don’t know, I was so sure of it, everyone saw it except for me, I was purposely blind to it until I wasn’t.
    Sure, sex was fun, you were hot and I wasn’t and yet I never, not once feel ashamed of my body, of my weight, of laying naked next to you with mirrors shaming at me. I felt like myself, accepted, wanted, needed even loved. I enjoyed those certain moments I shared with you, you were my friend and now I slept with you. I knew every inch of your naked soul and body and I felt that somehow I owned you for it. You added components that began to crack my fortified wall. You’d mention us in the future term, you’d call me to check on me, ask me if I had eaten, how had I been holding up, even texted me and called me randomly to check on me. I even sensed a hint of jealousy in you when you asked me if I was seeing someone else, I felt to urge to suggest you to do something about us being single but I held back. Oh how I regret it now; but if only I had known then what I know now, things would’ve been different today and I wouldn’t be writing you this letter, knowing you’ll never even read it, but I guess it’s a way to take the load off my chest and try to figure out where did I go wrong in this. You asked about my mother’s opinion, not like you cared but more in search of a confirmation. Your desperate need to see me, to feel me, to fill me and hold me afterwards, in which you’d fall asleep with your arm around me, like a child and I would let you because I know you have trouble sleeping alone. I felt like I was your therapy and I guess that’s why I missed it. I wasn’t your therapy, was I ? I was your hope, your fresh start but I was too scared too shy to see through the veil that lied before me.
    Our conversations now turned on the word “us” always in a future tense, but induced in a present moment. Even then I failed to admit what I now boldly wish to confess to you. Even that night where you tried to grab my hand and I retracted it by instinct, I could feel it in my bones that the arrangement was changing. God, was I a fool not to see. I didn’t hold back the second time it happened, I grabbed it as you slowly tried to reach for it and I felt you hold it so tight my own heart tightened against my chest and that’s when everything fell apart and I began to see clearly. My wall caved and I was speechless, in shock and amazed. But you still didn’t say it and I needed to hear it, I needed to know I wasn’t making it up, that I wasn’t confusing it. I was so shocked I didn’t say anything productive I know that now and then you left, and it hurt, like it always hurts. Because you were my hope for a change, my hope for a difference in all the guys I have dated, in all the guys I have loved because I saw in you the chance to truly be myself and not give a damn how other people felt, so when you left without a notice I felt I had been betrayed again by fate. It had given me what I desired most only to take it away when I wanted it the most. Cruel fate, it once more made me sad, and led me to the depression that had your name imprinted on it. Mr. P, I gave it so much thought during the time of your disappearance and I must confess what I feel even if you don’t deserve it, even if you don’t feel the same, even if the answer is no, I have to try because then I’ll be remaking the same mistakes and I don’t want that, but Mr. P, let me reach you again, let me do this and if you want me out, then I’ll leave, I promise, but please hear me out. Let me say what you didn’t, let me admit that I’m in love with you even if it means I’ll have to taste another heartbreak, at least I’ll know I can still feel something inside….

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