I felt like I was being played by you, your friends, or maybe even strangers. I don’t know why anyone would go to such lengths, level of detail, involving other people, and all that other than to mess with me. I went along with it because I had hope, and it’s hard to turn away from so remote but still a possibility of reconciliation and peace. I waited until one day you decide that it’s time to drop the game, but it only got worse with time. That makes me think the whole thing was nothing but chasing ghosts. As a result now, I do not know if I am right in the head anymore. I had my share of people telling me otherwise because of all that had happened, and I understand them very well.
Still, the entire time was not talking or communicating anything. That was me trying to figure out what the hell was going on, and you assuming I could somehow know. That is why I treated you so badly, and tried to stay away as much as possible.I told you about my doubts, but you never helped me, when I asked for it repeatedly. You gave me bits and pieces of clarity and a sea of confusion. Most of my attacks were out of frustration and not knowing. I wish you could put yourself in my shoes and see how little I really knew about you. You assumed it was as clear to me as it was to you. but I don’t know you. I know very little if anything about you. I couldn’t tell truth from tales in what you were trying to communicate to me.
The terrifying (to me, anyway) thing is that I’m still not sure you were even part of the entire mess. Did you hand it over to someone else. who knows what people entertain themselves with these days. think about it, things that can be done online if one has the skills, information that can be stolen – almost anything, diaries, e-mails, you name it. stalkers, trolls. all i wanted was some reassurance that i was dealing with you and not one of those.
You may say I never deserved anything other than what you offered, but honestly, if thats my only choice, Id rather have you ignore me. That way none of us would have gotten hurt further. That is why I will stay silent.
I hope that now you think we are even. I even wish that you got what I assume you wanted out of it – you got me back for the mistake Id made. I know you don’t trust me, and that’s understood. But I can’t build anything, any trust, any communication, anything at all by allowing you to humiliate and mislead me until you decide that’s enough. if you expect me to somehow convey any feelings this way, with your friends sitting back and all of you having a laugh, then I really can’t do that for you. I am not denying my own faults and my place in this. I think I will always want to hold on, but I just can’t go on deluding myself like this.
If you still think of me, I want you to know that all of the ugly, the mean, the absurd – it was never aimed at you personally (please do believe this!), it was a defense, a reaction to the way you chose to handle it. Like I said, I never had a chance to learn you as a person. I hope that the mean and vengeful was a defense, and not who you really are. I don’t really care what you think of me anymore, so I miss you, but I miss the you from before. The one I got all crazy-clumsy-stupidly careless about. But I don’t miss anything past that. That was a nightmare for me, as it was for you I’m sure. I don’t want to ever go back there again.