Throughout our history I’ve said a lot of things I regret. Things I didn’t mean, hurtful things said just to hurt you. I really am sorry. I don’t handle my anger very well, I know this, and I know its something I need to work on. I’d understand if you’re done with me, tired of my shit and ready to move on. But I hope instead that you’ll accept my apology and forgive me.
This is not a good time for me. I’m at a point in my life where it seems like all the hard work I’ve put in, all the sacrifices I’ve made, it all means nothing. The next 2 months will determine the course of the rest of my life. At least that what it seems like right now. Honestly, I don’t even know if I’m going to be able to stay here. This ‘lucrative’ career I entered is a bunch of shit. The available ‘opportunities’ out there make me wonder why I even bothered going to college in the first place. I could have been making way more money doing construction or working an oil rig like a lot of my friends did, and not racked up all the student loans in the process. I wish I could tell younger me “don’t be a sucker”. But it’s too late for that now.
This is where you bemoan all my excuses. Yeah, I admit I do that a lot. But I still want you to understand the enormous stress I’m crumbling underneath. It doesn’t justify my actions, and maybe it doesn’t mean anything at all to you. That’s ok. I don’t expect you to be sympathetic. I just got done writing two paragraphs about how I say things I don’t mean and why you should be understanding of my stressed out overreactions. It would only be natural for you to question anything that comes out of mouth, or in this case my fingertips.
Here’s something that is undoubtedly true though, something you can take to the bank because I mean it wholeheartedly: I love you. You are not just exactly what I want, you are exactly what I need. You push me to be stronger, to do better, to be happier. We fight a lot, but I think that some of it is just growing pains for me. Maybe more accurately ‘growing up’ pains. Yeah I’m sure you figured out Im having a helluva time with that. I moved out of the house when I was 14, and have essentially lived on my own for almost half my life, but I don’t feel any more prepared or capable. I’m sure people could look at my life, and what I’ve accomplished, and maybe even feel a little envy. But for all my effort, I STILL have yet to see any payoff, any real indication that this reward society has been promising me is anything but illusory. It’s enough that I’m seriously about ready to give up, pack my bags, and start over. But then I think about you, about the future we could have together. That’s at least enough to keep me fighting.
We have all kinds of issues. I think miscommunication is at the heart of most of them. I don’t know how to fix that. We seem to be at some kind of impasse there, and we’re both too stubborn to budge. Right now, I’m sorry to say, I really can’t put any focus on that. I need to get through something else first. One step at a time I guess, as lame as that sounds. If it’s any consolation, know that I’m doing all this for both of us.
You’re fully entitled to be mad at me. I don’t blame you at all. But I could really use your support now. Knowing you’re in my corner would make all the difference in the world to me.