Do you remember the lyrics of this song? It was 20 years ago when you and I listened to this song…
“I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I’ll never criticize all you’ve ever meant to my life
You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I’m not sure I’m worthy of
Losing you is painful to me
Though it’s gonna hurt us both
There’s no other way than to say goodbye”
(Goodbye by Air Supply)
Well, you know what? I never really understood and internalized this song until I lost you in 2013.
Who would ever think that a medical doctor like me and a technopreneur like you once fell in love so madly starting 20 years ago?
Do you remember the first time we met? I was 12 and you were 14. I was sitting with my girlfriends in that bench after school. They were prodding me on to tell them about my crush. I was so young then and frankly speaking I had no crush! But I saw you sitting there with your friends. You looked cute in your gray T shirt. So I told them you were my type.
Goodness! I didn’t know my friend XXX knew you! She called you over and introduced us. I was trembling from inside, I was really shaking! Did you feel it?.. how I trembled at your touch.. at your mere presence..I didn’t know what I felt about you at that time. I was too young to recognize it! Your voice was one of the sweetest voices I have heard in my life..which I long to hear until now…
We became good friends. We met everyday, walked to the radio station everyday to hear music then every night you called me on the phone. You were begging me for a formal GF-BF date. Two years you pestered me for that date. But I was so young and naive. What would you expect from a 14 year-old girl on her supposedly-first date? I was so afraid to be seen with you. I’m so afraid my parents would see us…I was not allowed to have a boyfriend at 14 years old!
Deep inside I’m so afraid of falling for you, for having a boyfriend at 14 and losing my control over studies. So when I told you I’d like us to be friends I could hear you crying over the phone. Days went by without a call from you. I kinda missed you. One day we met on the street and you even avoided me. I was hurt even more.
Maybe I forgot about you after you graduated from high school. Especially because I got sick during the school year’s end and I even failed to take my final exams. I didn’t know you went straight to military school yet you didn’t finish it; you went to the US instead and took up computer science.
I didn’t have any boyfriend throughout high school. Then I went to college. I had my first BF when I was 18. I had another BF at 20. It was in July 2000 when I knew you, at 23 years old, got married to a 39 year old woman you met in the US. When I knew about it I was happy for you. You probably forgot about me. That was what broke my heart. I couldn’t explain my feelings at that time. Knowing you got married made me feel hurt.. I don’t know why, R! And it was the time I took my medtech board exams and passed as a board topnotcher. It was also the time I passed my medical school entrance test. Why are you fond of hurting me during the times when I have achieved something?
I went to medical school, then after passing the medical boards, I went into residency. At that time, I had a BF who was a fellow doctor but I had so many differences with him and we tend to fight very often.
Fast forward year 2008, I was in 2nd year of residency. It was after New Year. I was buying something from the market when I heard a voice calling my name. It was you! Then you asked for my number. I couldn’t explain my feelings. My heart beat so fast…it was like I was in high school again.
I couldn’t get you off my mind that night and we texted everyday. I told you I had a BF. You told me you had none. You have separated from your wife a month after you got married due to infidelity. You were on the process of annulment.
I told you I’d look for women for you to meet. You said OK. Deep inside, I was wishing that you would tell me that you still loved me. And you did! Oh my God I couldn’t explain my feelings at that time when you admitted that you still loved me after all those years!
You said, “G, I want only you, I don’t want anybody else!”.
My heart fluttered fast. Oh my God! You told me you still kept my picture from high school after all those years and that you have been searching for me all this time. You told me that as an international business consultant you have been to many countries yet you have never met a woman like me, and that you longed to come home to me. I told you that I loved you and that I’d break up with my BF. I told you I’d see you that night in Manila. Do you remember that night we drank coffee together and and we kissed each other’s lips and held each other tight? It was a night I will never forget until the day I die. I knew you wanted to make love to me…..
So I did break up with him. I was ready to love you and share my life with you. But you told me that I may have confused my feelings. That you were just my rebound. But you’re not! I love you, I loved you so much! I’d do everything to share my life with you! I cried and cried when you ran away from me.. why would you do such thing? Have you no trust in our love?
Another year passed and you texted me again. And you told me that you still loved me.. and I told you that I love you so much! Do you remember that time? You told me, “Honey lets live together.. let’s find a place together.. I want to make love to you every night.. I want you to have my baby..”
But there were things holding me back. You were still not annulled from your first marriage. My family were against us and our relationship because you were still a married man! So I said no. But deep inside I’m blaming my brain for refusing to live with you and following my strict principles. If only I have followed my heart and ran away with you to consummate our love…my mind goes blank every time you touch me and hold me close…its as if my body’s aching to make love to you every night, and kiss your lips over and over again and feel your fingers touching me…it would be bliss making love to you all the time…
After graduating from residency training I tried to find you. One time you messaged me on my phone. You asked about how I was and I told you I was fine. I told you that I still loved you and that if you still loved me you will meet with me that night. “Meet me tonight” I said to you. But you told me, “I’m sorry, I already have a girlfriend”. Brokenhearted, I told you, “But do you love me R? Do you still love me?” I cried frantically, in desperation for you to fight for our love. And you told me, “Yes, I love you, I still love you so much G.. I still love you so much!” I waited for you that night, in the rain, but you failed to come. So suddenly I had a realization… maybe you were to afraid to fight for our love.. that you just gave up on me that easy.
The wounds took long to heal.. I finally learned to forget about you and focus on my career. I balanced work and my masteral studies. I climbed up the corporate ladder and reached heights that only a few women had climbed. Then I dated my senior from medical school and he proposed and it was then that I realized that I did not want to end up lonely and grow old alone. I needed to think about my future while you have forgotten me. So I was engaged to him and we got married soon.
One year has passed after we got married. I was happy and contented. I was the wife of a young and promising businessman; at the same time I also had my own growing business. Then I got alerts on my skype on my mobile. They were from you and they were deleted messages. So I told you, “Hi” and you said “Hello”. I asked you how you are and I got a strange reply from you, “By the grace of God, I am doing okay”. It was though you have recently been out of a problem. I told you I felt strange talking to you and you mentioning about God many times and you told me you became a born again Christian. I said, ok, and I told you “R, I’m married”. You said, “I can see that”. Then you asked me, “How long” and I said, about a year ago.
You told me, “G, I’m happy for you.. I really am.”
Then you asked me, “Are you happy with him?”
I told you, “Yes. He is the best husband a woman can ever have”.
Then there was silence on your part.
Then we talked more…and then you told me “G, I will see you soon.. I will just prepare myself”
I didn’t fully understand the meaning of your words. I thought we would still see each other again. Maybe have coffee and talk like old friends.
A month after, I was happy because I passed the fellowship boards. But I soon received sad news. A day after my first wedding anniversary, you took your own life. Your GF claimed you took your life because of your disagreements and your suspicion of infidelity. Well, I don’t know if you told her you had the same problem before when you got married the first time. The news said you were single but I knew the story behind that. (wink) You shot yourself in the heart.
I never attended your funeral. Didn’t dare go. What would my husband and family say? Besides, your high school classmates knew me and knew we had something before. They were the ones who told me how madly in love you were before with me. And I don’t know how would I react seeing you like that, when I was used to holding your warm hand and kissing your warm lips and holding your warm body next to mine. I couldn’t stand the pain, my honey! Your suicide has perfect timing…this means my wedding anniversary is your death anniversary! Did you did it on purpose: kill yourself on the day after my wedding anniversary?
Does she know about me? And does she know that you took your life on the day after I got married? That maybe the reason why you took your life was that I was lost from you forever?
This is my confession, R, now that you’re up there. They say near-death confessions are true confessions. This one comes from my heart and I will not change this feeling until the day I die.
R, I love you so much. I love you so much until the day I die. I will never forget you. You are my true love. I would do anything for you. But you always didn’t have time for me. I would like to marry you and have babies with you but you did not have trust in my love for you.
Was she the reason you shot yourself? Or was it because you felt I was lost from you forever? Maybe that is how you chose this to end. Coz if you’re alive your heart will tell you to go back and see me. And I’ll see you. And maybe I’ll kiss your lips. And maybe I’ll make love to you many many times. And maybe I’ll run away with you and live with you. I’ll leave behind my family. But I’m a married woman now R. Can you stand that… seeing me living with another man, not you?
I still love you so much until the day I die. I will see you soon R.
Your childhood sweetheart and honey,