I committed myself to you. I sacrificed for you. I spent every waking moment, and a lot of sleeping moments, thinking about being with you. And you just slap me in the face.
I don’t know what hurts worst, your utter disregard for my feelings or seeing who you have allowed to stay in your life. Seems like pretty much everyone but me.
What was so special about me? That you decided you had to ruin me. I can see it clearly now, you’ll never stop until I kill myself. But I know my death would literally have zero impact on your life. I think the only fuck you I can deliver is to continue living and so that’s exactly what I will do.
When did you become so cold? Have you always been that way? I would have given you everything. All I asked for in return was your love and respect. I honestly don’t know if you’re capable of either.
I hate what you’ve done to me. I hate the person I am now because of you. All the things people told me about you, that I struggled so hard to disbelieve, they’re all true. I’ve been living in the past so long, because it’s so clear you don’t want a present or a future.
There’s so much there in the past, that makes me believe you once cared about me. Why else would you expend so much effort making me jealous or getting my hopes up? I wonder when you stopped caring about me. When I became just a burden in your life, one to be excised as expeditiously as possible? I’m sorry that me loving you caused you so much grief.
I remember the first letter I wrote you. How I said there were several possibilities for what was goin on, I just couldn’t tell. The last one, the one I said I couldn’t see being possible, was that you’re just a monster. I guess that’s what it really was. I wish I had realized that years ago.
You flaunt my foolishness in my face. And in truth maybe the greatest indicator of my foolishness is that this is all probably just another delusion. If this was ever meant to be, I think it would have happened by now. I’ve been waiting for you. Meanwhile I imagine you’ve just lived your life without any thought of me. I’m beyond being hurt. I don’t even know what to call this.
I’ve said in the past you were the best thing to ever happen to me. Maybe that’s still true but you’re also the worst thing. What you’ve done to me, I can’t even hate you for it. I just hate myself for being so willfully stupid.
Thank you again for reinforcing all my self-doubt, all my self-loathing. That’s exactly what I needed.